


like the first time

by emilia_kaisa



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama & Romance, Family Dynamics, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Mild Sexual Content, Multi, Not Beta Read, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Character Death, the disaster author strikes again
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-12-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 41,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24986329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emilia_kaisa/pseuds/emilia_kaisa
Summary: I wish it would stay the sameLike the smell of summer rain but it doesn'tNo it doesn'tWe fill these shoes so fastAnd I thought that they would lastBut they didn'tNo they didn't
Relationships: Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 154
Kudos: 138





	1. prologue

**Author's Note:**

> SO.  
> I've discovered that writing cheap movie-like plots is really relaxing and fun, and AUs are my fave thing to do, so I obviously gave in and plotted this. I was kinda inspired by that type of drama movies that would be on tv on early Sunday afternoon while you're drinking coffee with your grandma and it just plays in the background. (Yes I feel like I have to specify that haha)  
> It was also inspired by a song that had been an inspiration to my other wip, I guess I'm obsessed with it :p So, title and lyrics I will throw from time to time are from 'The first time' by Isak Danielson.
> 
> And I decided to play with ages a little, so there is only a year difference between the boys- in the beginning Yuzuru is 18 and Javi 19.
> 
> So, buckle up and I hope you'll enjoy!  
> (I ain't putting a chapter count because we all know how it always ends haha)

_I wish it would stay the same_

_Like the smell of summer rain but it doesn't_

_No it doesn't_

* * *

“Javi, time-” Yuzuru mumbled, but the words disappeared in between him and Javi’s lips as they kissed, and Yuzuru instantly forgot about schedules and the fact that he should be coming downstairs soon. Instead he fell into the familiar heat of Javi’s mouth and body again, determined to devour every little second they had left.

“I’m going to miss you so much.” Javi whispered, pressing a few kisses down Yuzuru’s jaw before nuzzling against his neck, and Yuzuru sighed deeply, carding his fingers through Javi’s hair.

“I will be visiting all that time. And you have to come to Toronto too.”

“Of course I will.” Javi promised, drawing back for a second only to kiss the corner of Yuzuru’s mouth, caressing Yuzuru’s cheek tenderly “I’m so proud of you, you know?”

“I know.” Yuzuru swallowed hard, moving his hand to cup Javi’s cheek “I love you.” he added, and Javi smiled sweetly, leaning down again.

“I-”

“Yuzu!”

They both groaned at the same time, Javi resting his forehead against Yuzuru’s cheek for a moment before pushing himself up on his elbows.

“I guess that’s my call.” he joked and Yuzuru pouted, reaching to put his hand on Javi’s shoulder to stop him from moving even further.

“I hate this.” he whined, and Javi chuckled fondly, taking Yuzuru’s hand and kissing his knuckles.

“I will see you tonight before your train.” he promised, squeezing Yuzuru’s fingers “Do you-”

“Yuzuru!” 

His mom’s voice was even louder than before and Yuzuru winced, watching morosely how Javi untangled his pants from the tangle of clothes on the floor, putting them on before reaching for his hoodie. Yuzuru’s chest felt a little tight, knowing that the upcoming months would be difficult, without being able to see Javi. But they had talked about it, and it was always Yuzuru’s dream to study in Toronto, and Javi was nothing but supportive. They would be okay, he knew it, but it still stang a little.

“Okay.” Javi chuckled, running his hand through his hair before leaning down and leaving a soft kiss on Yuzuru’s lips “Time to run before your mom catches me here, my head still hurts after meeting the spoon last time -” 

Yuzuru would laugh at the memory, but he chose to kiss Javi back instead, savoring the moment and not really ready to let go. But then Javi sighed softly against his mouth and pulled back, stealing one more longing glance in Yuzuru’s direction before making his way to the window. He grabbed the vines with tight grip and practiced ease and mouthed a silent ‘I love you’ before starting his careful way to the ground. 

Yuzuru sighed deeply, and he would love to stay in the bed for a few moments longer, bask in warmth and Javi’s scent still lingering to the sheets, but it was a luxury he couldn’t allow himself to have. So he got up and put on his clothes before slowly walking downstairs, ready to have last breakfast with his parents before start of his new life.

“I was about to come upstairs and drag you here.” his mom scolded him when he entered the kitchen, but her stern expression melted into softness after a moment as she reached to caress his face lovingly “Sit before it gets cold.” she said softly and Yuzuru smiled at her before joining his dad by the table. 

“Do you have everything packed?” his dad asked and Yuzuru nodded, because obviously he had packed all the bags a week earlier.

“I can’t believe you’re leaving today.” mom sighed, sitting in front of Yuzuru and handing him a cup of tea “We’re so proud, but we’re going to miss you so much.”

“I will be coming back as often as possible.” Yuzuru promised and his dad smiled at him gently.

“Don’t worry about us, Yuzu, it’s time for you to enjoy life and-”

“And still come home every three weeks.” his mom chimed in, and Yuzuru laughed, love and fondness filling his chest.

“I promise.” 

* * *

** Nine years later **

“- Yuzu, are you even listening to me?”

Yuzuru flinched and blinked quickly before focusing his gaze on Mike’s face, making an effort to look apologetic.

“Sorry, I lost you for a sec.”

“Of course you did.” Mike sighed, shaking his head “That’s why it didn’t work out.” 

Yuzuru was having some kind of deja vu, feeling like his two previous short term relationships had ended in a very similar way, over an awkward lunch pushed in between two busy schedules. Honestly, Yuzuru quite liked Mike, but he was pretty relieved that whole thing was over now, and he was feeling a little bit bad for thinking about everything he would have to do at work later while they were trying to have a civilised discussion. 

“I’m sorry.’ Yuzuru repeated, because he felt like he should “But it was… it was nice?”

“Yeah.” Mike sighed again, tiredly but with a hint of fondness “Also, your phone has buzzed like three times already, so maybe you should get it.”

Yuzuru didn’t want to be impolite, but since Mike had left the door open himself, Yuzuru smiled at him tightly before standing up and walking outside, standing next to the ashtray and looking at his phone properly. He had thought it was work, but when he saw his mom’s name on the screen his heart skipped a beat anxiously, because she never called in the middle of the day and he couldn’t stop a nervous clenching of his throat as he dialed her number quickly, gripping his phone in his suddenly sweaty hand.

“Mom, is everything alright?” he asked the moment she picked up, and she laughed weakly, making Yuzuru even more stressed “Mom?”

“I’m fine, Yuzu, just had a little… a little accident this morning.”

The word ‘accident’ made Yuzuru’s heart stop and all the air leave his lungs, but she added hurriedly-

“Don’t worry sweetheart, but I slipped on the pavement today and fell, it’s ... I broke my leg and sprained right wrist, and the doctors said I shouldn’t be alo-”

“I will come.” Yuzuru said without hesitation and without thinking “I’ll just talk with my boss and I will be there as soon as possible.”

“Oh Yuzu.” she sighed, clearly relieved “Thank you, sweetheart. They say I should stay in the hospital for the night so you don’t have to worry.”

“I love you.” Yuzuru said, closing his eyes for a second “I’ll be there soon.”

His mom responded in kind and then had to hang up, and Yuzuru stayed there on the pavement, a little calmer about her but feeling new concerns rising inside him. Still, he made an effort to collect himself and walked back in, sitting in front of slightly worried Mike.

“Hey, are you okay? You look very pale.”

“I’m fine, just… I have to go back home. Family emergency.” Yuzuru mumbled and Mike gasped quietly, quickly covering that with a little frown.

“I hope everything will be okay.” he said, diplomatically avoiding pushing and asking more questions, knowing that Yuzuru didn’t really like to talk about his family, but then he wasn’t able to stop himself from asking “You haven’t been in your hometown for ages, right?”

“Almost eight years.” Yuzuru said, his tongue dry and stiff, panic and memories raising in his throat bitterly “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

“Sure.” Mike smiled, a little awkward, scratching his neck “Take care of yourself, Yuzu.”

“You too.” Yuzuru said, smiling weakly before getting up and leaving the restaurant again, heart heavy and blood buzzing as he was slowly realizing what it all meant. 

It was time to go back, whether he wanted it or not.


	2. Chapter 2

_We fill these shoes so fast_

_And I thought that they would last_

_But they didn't_

_No they didn't_

_Times will change and so will we_

_I guess we're all done now it seems_

* * *

The way home was even more tiring than Yuzuru remembered, his anxiety mixing with exhaustion caused by hectic packing and buying first available tickets. And now, after one flight, one short bus course and then a train ride, Yuzuru was standing on a train station that still felt awfully familiar, but he wasn't really paying attention to that, too focused on keeping himself on his feet. He was glad the house was close, only ten minutes walk, and he didn't even had enough energy to worry about how he was going to handle going back there. He just needed a shower, a strong tea, and then he would make his way to the hospital.

He walked as fast as he could, keeping his head down just in case he would bump into someone familiar, which was a scarily probable scenario with how small the town was, and Yuzuru had spent big part of his travel on imagining all the dreadful versions. Stars seemed to be on his side for now though, because he got to his old address without any encounter.

His heart skipped a beat when he stopped by the front door, reaching to fish out his keys, still attached to a keychain Saya had got him for his eleventh birthday. The lock opened quite easily, mom had to have it fixed when she came back those months back, and Yuzuru swallowed hard before walking in and closing the door, each of his breaths loud in his ears.

Everything felt so familiar, suddenly, the stairs, old mirror hanging on the wall, soft green-ish light coming through the living room window, and all the good and bad memories came to him in gentle yet heart-clenching waves.

He shook his head quickly, deciding that he had to snap out of it, and he opened his suitcase to pick fresh clothes before he headed for a shower. He was done with it quickly, and he decided not to have that tea in the end, vaguely remembering that the hospital cafeteria was pretty decent. He found the car keys where his mom had told him they would be and he got on his way, his driving skills a bit rusty since he didn’t have that much practice, but he got to the hospital safely. It wasn’t big and not really that crowded, a calm Tuesday morning, and the nurse sitting at the reception smiled at Yuzuru gently when he came closer.

“I’m looking for Yumi Hanyu.” he said, wondering if he had met that woman before, but she didn’t show any signs of recognizing him, only focused on her computer, clicking quickly before looking at him again.

“Room twenty, this corridor on your left. If you’d like to talk to her doctor, please ask for doctor Saarinen.”

“Thank you.”

Yuzuru walked quickly, and he found the right room without any trouble. And when he entered his heart clenched painfully when he saw his mom and how fragile she looked in the hospital bed, cast on her right leg and wrist wrapped in bandages. She looked thinner than the last time they had seen each other, at Saya’s birthday in Boston months earlier, and Yuzuru felt a pang of guilt striking through his chest.

“Hi mom.” he said, stepping closer and watching her tired face brightening up with a soft, loving smile.

“Yuzu.” she sighed, sitting up straight and opening her arms, and Yuzuru sat on the edge of the bed and hugged her, tight and careful.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” she mumbled against his shoulder and Yuzuru closed his eyes for a moment before pulling back gently so he could look at her face.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay?"

"I'm alright, Yuzu." she assured him quickly, caressing his cheek "Just not used to that yet, but they took really good care of me. I'm so sorry for causing you trouble-"

"Don't say that, it's not a trouble, I was just so worried." Yuzuru said, taking her hands and squeezing them "It's okay."

"It was such a bad luck." his mom said, smiling wetly "I wanted to buy some paint to refresh the rooms upstairs and I slipped immediately after leaving the house, I think I stepped on some leaf..."

"You want to do some renovation?" Yuzuru asked, and he must have sound very surprised, because his mom flinched a little, glancing aside for a moment before looking at him again.

"It's been some time." she said quietly "And since I'm back for good, I thought it could be nice."

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, swallowing past the lump in his throat "Well, now that I'm here, I can do some painting for you."

"My sweet boy." she sighed, smiling "You won't have troubles at work?"

"No, I have two weeks off and then my boss said I could also do some work from home. Perks of research." Yuzuru chuckled, not wanting her to worry "I will go find your doctor and ask if I can take you home, okay?"

He was lucky and found doctor Saarinen in her office, and she definitely looked vaguely familiar. She clearly had the same impression, because her smile when she saw Yuzuru was bright and wide.

"Hello, Yuzuru, it's been a while." she said, gesturing at him to sit down and then chuckling at his puzzled expression "You might not remember me, but we've met a few times in the ER when you had your asthma problems. But my surname was Preston back then."

"Oh." Yuzuru gasped, vaguely remembering a pretty young doctor half of the boys had been in love with, some of them falling from bikes on purpose just to get a chance to meet her "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you."

"It's okay, like I said it's been a while." she smiled, reaching for a clipboard resting on her desk "Okay, so your mom's good to go home, just needs a few days of solid rest and then she still has to be careful. I'd like to see her in three weeks to see if we can take the cast off."

"I will stay here and make sure she's resting." Yuzuru said and she nodded, smiling kindly.

"That's sweet of you. Also, I have your mom's results in here and I'd like her to have an appointment with a cardiologist. I don't suspect anything serious but just to be sure."

"Oh, of course." Yuzuru said, trying to kill the spark of anxiety that appeared inside him at the suggestion "She wasn't really focusing on her health lately."

"You've had some tough time." doctor Saarinen said, smiling gently and then tapping something on her computer, the printer growling quietly "Here's the prescription for some painkillers and vitamins, and the discharge, I'll ask a nurse to come to your mom and help her get ready."

"Thank you so much." Yuzuru said, truly grateful, and she nodded, sending him one more smile.

"Take care of yourself and your mom. It was really nice to see you, Yuzuru."

Yuzuru came back to his mom to tell her that they were good to go, and then decided to go to the pharmacy. He bought what the doctor had presctipted and also asked for some calcium and sleeping pills, just in case he would have troubles again. He was tired and distracted, and when he came back to the waiting room he stopped by a soda machine to grab some pepsi, hoping that a boost of sugar would help him get through the next hour.

He took the can and opened it, taking a sip as he looked around, and he almost choked when he saw a familiar figure a few metres away. She was talking to another nurse, not aware of his presence yet, so he could look at her unnoticed, at her painfully familiar features reminding him of someone else. His heart rushed, thudding firmly, and he knew he should turn around and left, but then she looked straight at him and there was no way to go.

Her eyes widened, lips fell open with surprise, and they stared at each other for a terribly long, uncomfortable moment. Her expression was puzzled, and Yuzuru's cheeks felt warm, blush of awkwardness creeping on his cheeks, and he had a moment of panic when she stepped in his direction but then was stopped by the other nurse. She glanced at Yuzuru one more time before walking away, and he let out a breath he didn't know he was holding.

His throat was clenched unpleasantly, making swallowing the soda hard, and even sugar couldn't help him feel better. He didn't feel good, but he managed to bring on a neutral expression not to freak mom out. She, on the other hand, looked a bit better than before, not as pale as earlier and with a wider smile, although it was clear that she was still feeling a lot of discomfort.

"Let's go home." she said softly and Yuzuru nodded, taking her bag and forcing a little smile, even though he was still a little bit shaken.

"Yes." he said, taking a deep breath "Let's go home."

* * *

He couldn't sleep.

The sleeping pills he had bought didn't seem to be working, because it was 2AM and Yuzuru was still turning in his bed, unable to fall asleep. He couldn't even keep his eyes closed for too long, so he kept on turning around, eyes scanning through the shadows, furniture barely visible in the dim light coming from the streets.

The room was pretty empty, as Yuzuru had taken most of the stuff years earlier, just like mom took hers. Yuzuru still wondered why she had chosen to come back for good, after so many years spent in Boston and travelling around, but he guessed she was finally ready to come back to that place, deciding that good memories were stronger than painful ones.

For Yuzuru it wasn't that obvious yet.

He groaned with frustration, sitting up and grabbing the blanket, and then dragging it to the window sill. It probably wasn't too wise, sitting in an wide open window with autumn being so close and night being kind of chilly, but it actually felt kind of soothing, and Yuzuru sighed with relief.

The street was empty, and Yuzuru almost forgot how it was, not to hear the sound of the city all the time, and he thought that maybe that was making him feel uneasy. He looked down, at the vines whispering quietly in the wind, and something burned in the back of his throat as he tried to brush the unwanted memories away, but it was pointless, his thoughts going wild and heartbeat quickening a little. He thought about the brief encounter at the hospital, about Laura's baffled expression, and he wondered if she told Javi, if he was even living in the town still.

How his life turned out? Did he think about Yuzuru sometimes or did he forget him completely?

Yuzuru shook his head, wanting to be annoyed with himself for thinking about that, but instead he just felt tired and miserable, and he missed his dad and times when everything had been simpler and future was full of hopes and possibilities. He could recall it all so well suddenly, the last two years of highschool when life had seemed to be almost perfect, when his biggest concern was his mom not liking his boyfriend. They weren't kids anymore, and Yuzuru knew there was no point in coming back to the past, but he couldn't help it. He looked down at the vines and remembered all those times Javi had had to sneak out from his room, about that time his mom caught him and chased him with a spatula in her hand, waking the whole neighbourhood up. The memory didn't fail to make him chucle, even after all that time, even though the sound leaving his mouth was wet and ugly.

He had thought he left it all behind, that town, his past. But now he was back, and he couldn't keep on running away. So whatever was going to happen, Yuzuru was just going to face it. And it it meant running into people he had used to know and awakening old memories, he was going to handle it.

* * *

"I think we're also out of milk." Yuzuru's mom said from her spot at the couch, where she was sitting in the most comfortable position she could find "And if you could buy some rice too, that would be lovely."

Yuzuru nodded, dutifully noting everything in his phone and adding a few more items. His mom couldn't cook because of her injuries, so Yuzuru was already thinking about some not too demanding meals to prepare. He wasn't a bad cook, but he hadn't much time lately, so busy with work he usually opted for a take out. But now he had to make sure his mom was eating well, so he came to kiss the top of her head, grabbed the car keys and went to the garage.

The store wasn't far away, like everything in that damn town, but he wouldn't fancy carrying all the bags by himself. The shopping list was long and it took him some time to get everything, but he was so busy thinking about what he possibly forgot that when he heard the chirping voice if the cashier he almost jumped out of his shoes.

"Oh my god, it's you!"

Yuzuru blinked quickly and looked at the familiar face in front of him.

"Elene, hi." he smiled, a bit nervously. They didn't know each other too well, she had been Javi's classmate, but she seemed delighted to see him, so that was a relief.

"It's been ages since I saw you, how are you?" she asked as she started scanning the products "I know your mom came back a few months ago, you came to visit?"

"Yes, mom got into a little accident and I came to help her out."

"Oh, I hope she's alright!" Elene exclaimed with honest sympathy "You're staying for long?"

"A few weeks."

"So I guess I'll see you around." she smiled, handing him the bill "Although nothing really changed here, to be honest." she added, and suddenly her expression changed "Well, beside- well, have a great day!"

"You too, Elene." Yuzuru smiled, and he somehow managed to grab all three bags.

He was really grateful for the automatic door, but trying to safely get them inside the car turned out to be a challenge. He succeeded with opening the boot, but the price he had to pay for that was a few oranges slipping out one of the bags and falling to the ground.

"Fuck." Yuzuru swore, balancing with the stuff in his arms and trying to put it away safely "Of-fucking-course..."

"I'll help you!"

It was definitely a child's voice, and Yuzuru heard quick footsteps close to him. He quickly packed the bags inside and turned around to see a smiling boy holding the oranges.

"Here!" the boy said, looking so adorably proud of himself Yuzuru had to smile.

"Thank you." he said, taking the fruit from the boy's hands "They're always trying to run away from me."

"They don't want to be in a fruit salad." the boy laughed "Do-"

"Ethan, buddy, where are you, we gotta move!"

Yuzuru's heart actually stopped. He would recognize that voice anywhere.

"Coming, dad!" the boy yelled, and Yuzuru felt like the ground was shifting under his feet, and he had to lean against the car to keep his balance, waves of shock washing through his body.

"Are you okay?" Ethan asked, a worried frown on his face, and Yuzuru just stared, unable to say anything.

"Ethan, I swear to-"

And there he was, just a few steps away from Yuzuru, watching him with the same shock Yuzuru was feeling. He couldn't believe it was just happening like that, in a stupid parking lot, after all that time, and all the scenerios Yuzuru had imagined weren't right at all.

"I-" Javi stuttered, and then closed his mouth, jaw clenching as he just looked at Yuzuru, making his heart go crazy just like the years before, but for entirely different reasons.

"Hi." Yuzuru mumbled, but failed miserably with adding anything else, and just stared at Javi too. He looked good, with his shoulders broader than before and hair a little bit shorter, his eyes as dark and beautiful as Yuzuru remembered.

"Dad? Dad, are we late?"

It made them snap back to reality, and Yuzuru's felt a pit opening in his stomach as it got to him, the picture spreading in front of him.

"Yeah, we are." Javi muttered, caressing Ethan's hair before looking at Yuzuru "I- I didn't know you were back."

So Laura hadn't told him, and Yuzuru had to bring all his power to collect himself and not act as pathetic as he was feeling.

"I arrived today." Yuzuru managed to say, and Javi nodded, giving him a smile that looked more like a grimace. 

"Well, I'll see you around." he said, shrugging awkwardly "Ethan, to the car, for real."

"Bye!" Ethan smiled brightly, waving at Yuzuru before running away. 

Javi glances at Yuzuru again, his expression unreadable, and then he walked away without a word. Yuzuru stayed where he was for a moment, and then slowly got inside the car. 

He was mad at himself that he allowed this to hit him so hard. They had broken up ages ago, it wasn't a surprise that he had his own life. And even if Ethan looked around six or seven years old, then what? It only meant that Javi hadn't spent much time suffering after Yuzuru dumped him, which was great, because Yuzuru never wanted him to suffer. 

He was just surprised, that was all. Yuzuru took a deep breath and started the car. He had other things to worry about, even though his stupidly stuttering heart didn't seem to agree. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well 🙈🙈🙈


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love drama

_ I give it all for one _

_ Just one more chance to run _

_ For everything once more feeling like before _

_ Like the first time _

* * *

“Thank you, honey.” Yumi sighed gratefully when Yuzuru put a cup of coffee on a table in front of her. She usually had tea with her breakfast and then about an hour later she liked to have a cup of coffee that Yuzuru had learned how to prepare a few years back. It was like some comforting ritual of hers and Yuzuru was eager to help her feel better, because she was still a bit weak and in pain. He still hesitated for a moment before serving her though, because he remembered doctor Saarinen’s words and he wondered if mom should drink coffee, but after a short conversation he decided to just make one not strong as usual.

“We should make that appointment.” he reminded her gently and she nodded, smiling tiredly.

“I will call in a few days.” she promised and then narrowed her eyes a little, eyes flickering with concern “Is everything okay? You look a bit… distracted.”

“I’m good.” Yuzuru said quickly, hoping not quick enough to make her suspicious “Just… a lot of things, about coming back-” he didn’t finish, but she seemed to understand, a little melancholic smile blossoming on her lips, eyes turning cloudy for a moment.

“Yes.” she hummed, fingers wrapping around the cup absently “There’s so many memories.”

There for sure was, and Yuzuru felt some odd, cold feeling swirling in his stomach and then slowly crawling all the way up to his throat, and it wasn’t place and time to have a breakdown, so he stood up and said he would go for a short walk. 

It was time to see what else had changed. 

Now, on the third day of his stay, he both dreaded and craved running into people he had used to know. He had been brutally reminded how much time passed and that nothing was even close to be the same. 

Luckily for him, he didn’t have to look far away, because the moment he stepped outside the house he saw a familiar figure on the lawn across the road, raking old leaves up and practicing some dance moves at the same time. Yuzuru smiled, old fondness reigniting inside him with ease, but then he felt a sting of anxiety about how he was going to be greeted, after eight years of dry birthday and Christmas texts.

There was only one way to find out.

Nam froze mid-movement when he saw him, dropping his rake and gaping, eyes growing ridiculously wide, and Yuzuru waved awkwardly, painfully aware that it truly wasn’t enough.

“Hi. You’re tall.” he blabbed nervously and cringed immediately at his own stupidity, but Nam didn’t seem to mind, his expression a bit confused but filled with warmth and also a bit of excitement.

“Oh. My. God.” Nam said slowly, and then flung himself into Yuzuru’s arms “Mate, it’s been ages, how are you?”

“Good, I’m good.” Yuzuru stuttered, a bit surprised by the enthusiastic welcome, but also relieved. Nam had been still a child when they saw each other for the last time, but it was nice to see that he didn’t seem to hold any negative feelings towards Yuzuru.

“How’s your mom? Gran saw her slip, I wanted to come and check on her in a few days but now you’re here, so all is under control?”

“She’s going to be okay. Thank you.” Yuzuru said, smiling gratefully “And, uhm, what’s up? How are you doing?”

“Good! I’m great, still living with parents as you can see.” Nam snorted, bending down to pick the rake up “But at least I’ve a job so I can pay my part of the rent!”

“You got into teaching like you always wanted?”

“Preschool.” Nam said proudly “Can you believe miss Fourcade is still teaching? And you, how’s work? Having a career?” 

“I’m doing pretty good, yeah.” Yuzuru nodded and then hesitated a little, feeling a bit embarrassed, but Nam seemed to get it, smile turning softer and knowing. 

"You want to ask about Javi."

"I…" Yuzuru cleared his throat, and then decided that he had nothing to lose except of his dignity "I saw him yesterday. With a child."

It sounded odd, words tasting sour, and Nam sighed, shrugging a little, smile turning sympathetic. 

"You want to come inside?" 

"I feel like I could use some air."

Nam nodded with understanding, and looked up for a moment as if searching for an answer before returning his gaze to Yuzuru. 

"It's his and Annie's son. Ethan."

"Annie?" Yuzuru repeated, throat burning now and heart pounding. 

"Annie Wilcox. She was a grade higher than Javi I think? She was working at Barry's and, uhm, he was spending much time there after you guys, you know-"

Barry's was one of the two bars in town and Nam's words didn't make Yuzuru feel even a bit better, if anything it made it even worse. 

"Oh." he said weakly "Well, that's, uhm, I just didn't know he got married, I'm a little surprised." he babbled, knowing that he sounded kind of pathetic, and he caught himself on hoping Nam would say something more, maybe that Javi wasn't married-

"It was first wedding I was invited to." Nam smiled, and then winced, throwing Yuzuru an apologetic glance "I mean, uhh, they-” he stuttered, suddenly looking uncomfortable, glancing down as if he didn’t know how to continue.

“They have more kids?” Yuzuru forced himself to ask and Nam winced again, expression twisting a little.

“Actually, they… she died after giving birth.” 

Yuzuru gasped, shocked, and Nam smiled sadly, fingers wrapping around the rake tightly.

“Yeah. So Javi’s having a lot on his head, you know. So-” Nam trailed off, and despite being all friendly and nice, Yuzuru thought he could sense a tiny little hint of warning in Nam’s voice. 

But he wasn’t here to mess around, and he definitely wasn’t here to get close to Javi again, that story had ended long time ago, with a phone call Yuzuru still remembered all too well. And now he was too stunned and shocked, not really knowing what he was feeling exactly, so he gave Nam a weak smile and told him he would see him around. 

He let his legs carry him, not paying too much attention to the direction he was heading, too caught up in his thoughts as he was trying to arrange everything inside his head. So Javi had got married a few months after they broke up and then because a widower with a son at the age of twenty-one. It sounded wrong and painful, and Yuzuru’s heart ached, because it wasn’t what Javi had been wanting from life, not the dreams he used to share with Yuzuru during countless sleepless nights they spent tangled together, holding each other and never ready to go to sleep. 

Yuzuru shook his head rapidly, annoyed and terrified when his thoughts went in that direction, when images he had been trying to tuck away for years started simmering by the surface of his memory once again. It didn’t matter now, anyway, and Yuzuru shouldn’t really care, he really had no right to care. 

But he was only human.

Annie Wilcox. He didn’t remember talking to her ever, but he could recall short blonde hair and a shy smile, worn out but clean clothes. That explained Ethan’s hair, in the color of wet sand, and Yuzuru’s heart stuttered again with a sudden regret he hadn’t given the boy a better look. Did he have Javi’s eyes? Or his smile? Or-

“Fuck!” Yuzuru snapped, so angry at himself he kicked the nearest trash can, and then swore even louder when his foot screamed with pain.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” he repeated, jumping in the spot and not really paying attention to some white car that that stopped nearby until he heard a familiar voice coming from inside. 

“You know that destroying public property is illegal, right?”

Yuzuru would gladly swore again, but he bit his tongue hard and looked up, meeting a familiar face visible in an open window of a police car.

“Sorry, won’t happen again.” he said through his gritted teeth “Hi Patrick.”

“Welcome back, Yuzuru.” Patrick said, his voice not really enthusiastic “Heard you’re back in town.”

“Only for a bit.”

Patrick was Javi’s best friend since forever, and was never Yuzuru’s biggest fan, mostly because they hadn’t been able to hang around as much as before, and it seemed that after almost a decade his approach wasn’t really changed. Well, Yuzuru kind of broke his best friend’s heart, so that was kind of justified. Still, Yuzuru was just about to say bye and go when suddenly a window in the back rolled down and Yuzuru saw another familiar face and a small hand waving at him with enthusiasm.

“Hello!”

“Hello.” Yuzuru croaked, thinking that the universe was playing some jokes on him because there was Ethan, smiling at him blindingly with a smile that carried the same warmth he remembered from Javi, and Yuzuru couldn’t look away now, standing in an awkward pose on the pavement, his hurting foot forgotten.

“Right. You’ve met.” Patrick muttered, throwing Yuzuru a dark glance before turning around “Ethan, close the window or you’ll catch a cold.” he instructed and Ethan pouted, nose scrunching adorably.

“Uncle Pat takes me to the station. We will catch criminals.” he informed Yuzuru “He’s the sheriff.”

“Damn right I am.” Patrick nodded, lips curling up in a warm smile as he glanced at the boy and then he turned to Yuzuru again “So, if I see a fallen street sign I know who to look for.” he said, and Yuzuru could almost appreciate that joke attempt, like a little peace offering. He waved back at Ethan weakly and looked the car go and disappear around the corner. 

He let out a deep breath, and rubbed at his chest a little, cringing when he felt how strongly his heart was pounding. 

It was going to be a tough few weeks.

* * *

While mom was watching evening news, Yuzuru went upstairs and called Saya. 

They were in constant touch since mom’s accident but hadn’t really had time to talk properly, but now Yuzuru felt like he could use a friend, and well, she was the best one he had. 

His nephew answered and he talked with him for a moment before Saya took the phone, and judging by the sudden lack of noise she hid in her bedroom too.

“Hey, how are you? Mom’s okay?”

“She’s feeling better.” Yuzuru said, and Saya hummed quietly, as if getting that it wasn’t something he wanted to talk about.

“And you?”

“It’s so weird, to be here.” Yuzuru said instantly, gaze dancing over bare walls and plain furniture “It’s… a bit suffocating.”

“Oh Yuzu.” Saya sighed with sympathy, and Yuzuru felt a bit better, even though they both knew she didn’t really understand. She had moved out to the US right after high school, studying in Boston and then settling there for good, starting her own family. For her it was just a distant memory she could put in the past, while for Yuzuru it was still fresh, too fresh and still painful.

“Yuzu?” she repeated and he realized he was quiet for a moment, and he cleared his suddenly dry throat.

“I saw Javi.” he blurted out and Saya gasped softly “He has a son.”

“Oh.” 

Saya hadn’t been there when Yuzuru and Javi were dating, but she met him and was an advocate for that relationship whenever their mom was showing her disapproval. She had also scolded Yuzuru for the way he handled their break up, even though she understood Yuzuru’s reasons. And now she was the only person he could talk about it with, because he sure as hell wasn’t going to nag their mom.

“It’s so stupid, I’m just so stupid!” Yuzuru exclaimed angrily, flopping on his back “It’s not like I had plans, or that I wanted to see him, or that I- you know what I mean! And it’s so stupid that I feel so weird about it, what the fuck is happening.” he whined, feeling kinda pathetic but also glad he could let it all out.

“It’s normal, and okay.” Saya said gently “You loved him a lot.”

“We were kids.” Yuzuru said immediately, a response he had been repeating to everyone and himself for all the years, even though it was making his stomach churn.

“It doesn’t make that love any less valid.” she said and Yuzuru swallowed hard, feeling familiar pressure rising behind his eyes.

“Whatever. I’m just tired and it makes me feel weird.”

“Okay.” Saya said, obviously not believing him a bit “Promise me you’ll get some rest?”

“Promise.” Yuzuru sighed, hoping that he would be able to keep it “I need to go to a store tomorrow buy paint. Mom wants to do some renovation and maybe new colors will cheer her up.”

“That’s nice!” Saya exclaimed eagerly “That sounds nice. And yeah, since she wants to stay for good… the house should look nice.”

“Yes.” Yuzuru mumbled through a lump in his throat “It should.”

* * *

Yuzuru could swear everything in that fucking time was working against him. Because how else he could explain that he was now sitting in his broken down car filled with cans of paint and brushes, with rain hitting the roof and drawing rivers on the front window. Also, he yet again had slept like shit, and was so tired and frustrated he wanted to cry, and if he was in Toronto or anywhere else he would call for help, but quick google search reminded him that the only car repair shop in town was still owned by Javi’s father, and for all Yuzuru knew Javi was working there as well, and Yuzuru definitely didn’t have enough strength to do that now.

“Pathetic, that’s who you are.” Yuzuru mumbled, trying to start the engine once again and failing. 

So far his plan was to sit there, feel sorry for himself and wait until it would stop raining, but a sudden sound made him glance into the back mirror to see some car stopping behind him and someone getting out, head hidden under a hood as he walked over to Yuzuru. Well, that was going to be embarrassing, but Yuzuru sighed gratefully as he rolled the window down only to let out a loud screech.

“Hi.” Javi said, loud enough to be heard through the sound of rain “You need help?”

“I, uh, the car. Won’t start.” Yuzuru muttered and Javi nodded, not looking surprised.

“Can I take a look?” he asked and Yuzuru nodded, dumbfounded, and watched how Javi made his way to the front and opened the bonnet to check what was wrong. He was acting perfectly polite, and Yuzuru thought that maybe he has recognised the car, and the fact that he still chose to stop and offer help made Yuzuru’s heart skip a beat. 

“Doesn’t look too good, I can’t do anything about it now.” Javi informed him a minute later when he was back next to Yuzuru’s window “I can give you a ride now and then take your car to our garage, if you’re okay with that.”

“Yeah, of course. Thank you.” Yuzuru said quickly, trying at least to pretend he was cool “Just, umm, I have some stuff in the trunk.”

“Not a problem, I’ve a big car.”

It felt surreal, sitting next to Javi in his car, and Yuzuru let out a discreet breath, forcefully stopping himself from gripping his knees to steady himself, eyes forced on the road as Javi started the car.

“I heard about your mom. She’s okay?” Javi asked casually and Yuzuru glanced at him for a millisecond and regretting that instantly.

“She broke her leg and sprained wrist so I need to stay for a while to look after her.”

“I hope everything will be alright.” Javi said, and with the corner of his eyes Yuzuru saw a little smile showing on his lips for a moment “And that’s a lot of paint.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru mumbled, killing the conversation off and being both happy and angry about it. 

At least Javi looked much more comfortable than during that first meeting in the parking lot, that was good, even though Yuzuru himself was still pretty shaken for reasons he couldn’t really start unpacking now. 

They reached Yuzuru’s house quickly and Javi helped him take all the cans and put them on the ground next to the wall, a bit of rain wouldn’t do them harm and there was no point in bringing them inside now. 

“So you could take a look at the car?” Yuzuru asked and Javi nodded.

“Yeah, of course, I’ll just need your keys. And phone number.”

“What?” Yuzuru wheezed and Javi’s expression fell for a moment, and Yuzuru hoped the shadow he saw in his eyes wasn’t hurt.

“To let you know what’s going on.” Javi said stiffly and Yuzuru wanted the ground to swallow him.

“I-”

“Or you can send me a text.” Javi said, taking a step back “My number’s the same if you still have it. Or just call the shop.” 

He got back to the car and drove away quickly, and Yuzuru stood there until he could convince himself that drops on his face were only rain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter we will dive into the past and I'm really excited about that!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My writing gods went wild and are very picky but really like this story so here we go :p   
> Today's chapter is a flashback one, also there's some (a lot lol) underage drinking so proceed with caution :D

_ We used our fake IDs  
Made love or tried at least  
Always wanting more but we had it all  
The first time _

* * *

“Okay, let me do that-” Christina sang, taking a bit of styling gel and rubbing it into Yuzuru’s hair "Now everyone will be able to see your eyes, so much better!"

Yuzuru hummed quietly, checking his reflection in the mirror. He looked nice and finally for his sixteen years of age, and there was a lot of Christina's doing in that. But since they were going for their first serious high school party after long time of being rather withdrawn, so they were treating that seriously. Also, the fact that the party was held by Jeremy was even bigger motivator, so Yuzuru was determined to be extremely presentable.

He had almost got a heart attack when Jeremy casually strolled over to a table Yuzuru and his friends were usually occupying, and invited them for a party on Saturday.

"Free house and a free welcome drink for everyone." Jeremy had laughed, winking playfully before walking to invite even more guests.

And well, there was no way Yuzuru was going to say no, he wasn't a partying type but he couldn't turn down an offer from Jeremy, of all people. Because Yuzuru had a tiny little crush on him, like half of the school, and he knew that was never going to be returned, but the prospect of spending a few hours in each other's company was really pleasant.

"Okay, all done here." Christina decided, leaning forward and checking her make up in the mirror "Do I look good?"

"Great." Yuzuru said honestly and she gave him a brilliant smile before urging him to get up and go downstairs.

"You both look so pretty!" Yumi exclaimed, smiling widely when they stopped by the living room "Yuzu, remember to be home before midnight, and walk Christina to her place before."

"Of course."

"And don't drink too much." Yuzuru's dad chimed in from the armchair, earning himself a deathly glare from his wife.

"Don't drink at all."

"You can have a one beer pass."

Yuzuru was getting a bit embarrassed, but Christina had to bite back an amused grin.

"We'll be going, it was great to see you!" she said politely before dragging Yuzuru outside and only then letting out a quiet snort "I love your parents."

"Me too." Yuzuru sighed, shaking his head but smiling "Also, have I told you that you have a really pretty bag today, kind of big tho-"

"Yeah, yeah, shut up or you won't get even a shot." Christina laughed and Yuzuru joined her immediately. He wasn't planning to get wasted or anything, but he was in a good mood, he was going for a party, the evening was warm and pretty and the world was just a great place.

Jeremy's house was about twenty minutes from Yuzuru's which was a perfectly fine walking distance. When they arrived the place was buzzing already, a lot of familiar faces and loud conversations closing around them, and then Yuzuru felt a little spark of anxiety, such a contrast to his generally good mood.

"Oh, hey guys, you made it!" Jeremy appeared from nowhere, pushing bottles of beer into their hands and giving them a dashing smile "The upstairs is off limit, please, but we have something cool set up in the backyard, have fun guys!"

"Thanks!" Christina grinned while Yuzuru sighed longingly, watching Jeremy walk away. He took a sip from his bottle, and was mildly surprised that the beer didn't taste as gross as he had been afraid it would.

"Okay, we came for a party, right?" Christina laughed, taking his hand and leading them both into the crowd.

Yuzuru knew most of the people, at least their names, it was impossible not to with how small the town and school were. So when he tripped and almost spilled his drink on someone's shirt, he immediately knew who he had to apologize.

"Sorry, so sorry." he spluttered, and Javi smiled at him, shrugging a little as his gaze travelled across Yuzuru's face.

"All good! It's nice to see you here."

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, still mildly embarrassed and kind of lost for words, Christina standing a few steps away talking with Julienne, and Yuzuru realized that yeah, he was happy to be at a party but he was still painfully awkward. And it was especially visible now, when Javi was still standing close, looking to be ready for some nice conversation, and Yuzuru had no damn idea what to say. They hadn't really talked before too much, maybe two or three chit chats in the bigger group, and he didn't even know what he could ask about, so he proceeded on making an idiot out of himself.

"What's your favorite flower?"

"What?"

"Favorite flower." Javi repeated, amused, and Yuzuru was so surprised he didn't even had time to think about some normal flower and uttered the first words that came to his mind.

"Nigella damascena." he said and immediately regretted that, his cheeks flaming under Javi's surprised gaze.

"You will have to write that down for me." he laughed, although he also looked kind of impressed, which made Yuzuru feel a bit better, because it always felt nice to see that expression on someone.

"Some also call it devil in the bush." Yuzuru offered and Javi laughed, the sound bright and clear even in the middle of a crowded room, and Yuzuru felt himself relaxing.

"That's quite a scary name."

"Well on the contrary, another name is love-in-a-mist."

"Now that's attractive." Javi said, smile turning a bit secretive, and Yuzuru felt dangerously close to blushing again, but then the scene was interrupted by Patrick, who looked mildly tipsy already and swung his arm around Javi's shoulders, talking something about tractors.

Yuzuru was a bit surprised with a little sting of disappointment he felt, but then he got roped into a conversation with Christina and a few others he liked. It was nice and easy and he relaxed completely, quickly growing to enjoy the the evening a lot. And when Christina took from her bag a mysterious bottle, he felt adventurous enough not to back away from trying.

The world was spinning around and it was making Yuzuru feel a little sick, but when he closed his eyes he felt like he was about to fall from the incredibly high mountain he was stuck on, so he opened them again, trying to blink the blurriness away. His ears didn't seem to be working too well either, because in one moment everything was muffled, and second later it was too loud for him to handle.

He kind of wanted to go and find Christina, be mad at her for giving him that stuff to try and ask if she had more. But first, when he saw her for the last time she had been making out on the sofa with Tim, and second, Yuzuru was still stuck on the mountain and definitely not ready to risk getting down.

Yuzuru winced and closed his eyes when he felt another wave of nausea going trough him, something bitter raising in his throat, and in a second of clarity he realized that his mom was going to murder him, but then he thought he heard someone speaking his name and forced his eyes open.

"Hey." Javi smiled, taking a sip from his glass and tilting his head "You good here?"

"I'm on a mountain." Yuzuru announced and Javi smiled widely, although a little soft, his features relaxed.

"Well yes, this is the highest kitchen counter I've ever seen." he laughed, and the sound was even nicer than before and Yuzuru smiled, but then his stomach twisted unpleasantly, and he whined, leaning forward and resting his forehead on Javi's shoulder.

"I want hooome." he mumbled, and Javi cooed quietly, patting his back.

"I think we have to wait with that for a moment. And you need to eat something."

"Nooo." Yuzuru screeched, feeling such a strong wave of disgust it as a miracle he didn't puke all over Javi's shirt.

"Yeees." Javi lauged, making sure Yuzuru was sitting securely and then opening Jeremy's fridge, and going through it without an ounce of shame. There were people coming in in search for snacks and some liquor, some were even saying something, but Yuzuru was too focused on watching Javi move around the kitchen, and deciding that he had really pretty hair, and pretty eyes, and that he was kind of pretty overall.

"Okay, here we go." Javi said, hopping on the counter next to Yuzuru and putting a bowl of fries in between them "I couldn't find ketchup and there's mayonnaise?"

Suddenly the prospect of eating wasn't so dreadful, and the first fry was actually the best thing Yuzuru had ever tasted.

"Good?" Javi checked, and Yuzuru nodded fiercely, the sudden movement making his head hurt a little, but in the end he was gradually feeling better with every second.

"Yes. Thank you."

"Nah." Javi smiled "You have a curfew?"

"Uhm, midnight?"

"Okay, Cinderella." Javi chuckled "I will walk you home, if that's fine?"

"Yeahh." Yuzuru mumbled, in that moment still occupied with his fries more than anything "But, uhm, Christina-"

"I will go get her."

Javi hopped off the counter that didn't seem so terribly high anymore, and Yuzuru managed to find a half full glass of water among the staff huddled around, and he drank it greedily. He knew that he still was kind of drunk, but he was also thinking a little bit clearer than before.

"Okay, so Christina is kind of, hmm, occupied right now." Javi announced when he walked in a few minutes later, and his expression was enough of an explanation for Yuzuru to get what was going on.

"Okay." he sighed, carefully getting down "And, um, you don't have to walk with me if-"

"Oh yes I do." Javi said "Moreover, I want to."

"Oh." Yuzuru hummed, feeling something nice and warm blossoming in his chest "That's great. Thank you."

The night was pleasant and when they stepped outside Yuzuru took a deep breath, letting fresh air fill his lungs.

"Better?"

"Yes." Yuzuru nodded, and then he felt like he needed to clarify "I don't usually-" he waved awkwardly, and Javi smiled.

"Yeah, I figured. You didn't strike me like a party type. Always with a book somewhere." he chuckled and Yuzuru gaped, a bit surprised that Javi had been noticing him before. But now it was almost unbelievable that they hadn't really talked earlier, and maybe it was alcohol and everything, but Yuzuru also knew that he was feeling extremely comfortable, and safe.

"So what's your favorite flower?" he asked and Javi threw him a fond glance before answering.

"Zucchini."

Yuzuru laughed at that, a little breathless, and suddenly he felt very tired, legs heavy as if made from lead, and he looked around in search of some place he could sit down for a moment at.

"Do you mind?" he asked, waving at a small playground they were passing, quiet and calm under the streetlights.

"Yeah, sure. You okay?"

"Just need a second." Yuzuru sighed, carefully sitting on one of the swings while Javi took the one right next to him. Yuzuru put his feet on the ground firmly, not wanting any movement to trigged more headache or something worse. He could feel Javi's gaze on him, and for some reason it was a really nice thing to think of. The night was nice also, and Javi was even nicer, so Yuzuru turned his head to look at him, meeting Javi's gaze and smiling the widest he could.

"Hi." he said "It's really nice to meet you."

Javi blinked, and his smile changed, transforming to something even warmer, gentle and almost shy, and Yuzuru could swear something vibrated in the air between them, a quiet buzz matching the new rhythm of his heartbeat.

They looked at each other for a moment, and Yuzuru knew that the sudden rush of his blood and that odd yet not unwelcome feeling inside his chest weren't just the result of alcohol, but something he had no idea yet how to name.

Javi's expression flickered, as if he was unsure, and he took a deep breath before sliding off the swing and without much grace landing on his knees in front of Yuzuru.

"Hi." Javi breathed out, close and warm, and Yuzuru thought that his eyes looked really pretty from that little distance.

And maybe it was liquor still fogging the edges of his mind, or maybe he was moonstruck or just a teenager- Yuzuru leaned down and clumsily pressed his lips to Javi's.

Javi let out a quiet sound, something between a hum and a chuckle, and his fingertips grazed sensitive skin on Yuzuru's nape before gently putting some distance between them.

"Now this I didn't expect." he murmured "Now it's going to be all your fault."

"Huh?"

"My sleepless night." Javi chuckled, shaking his head "One of many, probably."

Yuzuru grinned, feeling giddy and proud of himself. It didn't stop Javi from kissing the corner of his mouth briefly before standing up and reaching to take Yuzuru's hand.


	5. Chapter 5

_ I'll keep the memories  
And accept it will never be how we left it  
But we left it _

* * *

When his phone rang, Yuzuru almost fell from the ladder.

He was painting a wide stripe of the wall, close to the ceiling, and his arm was aching after a few hours of hard work, but he was refusing to stop now, determined to finish that part and call it a day. But then he heard a loud melody piercing through the quiet space of the room and he lost balance, barely avoiding falling to the floor. That would be just awesome, another person in the house with broken bones.

A little shaken, he got down and reached for his phone only to almost drop it when he saw who was calling. He took a deep breath, telling himself to act like a freaking adult, and pressed the green button.

"Hello?"

"Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting." Javi's voice was calm and polite "Got a good look at the car and it doesn't look nice, to be honest, we will need some new parts."

"Okay, I understand." Yuzuru said, cringing a little when his voice instantly turned defensive for some reason "Will it take long?"

"Depends from our supplier, honestly." Javi sighed "Also, umm, I found some stuff under the spare tire, and also some old wallet in between the seats, and I guess you and your mom would like it back. So I can drop it off by your place later today-"

"No, no!" Yuzuru cut him off rapidly and Javi stopped talking, letting out a short exhale Yuzuru thought could be annoyance "I mean, uhm, the weather is nice, so maybe I could come over to pick it up, and you could show me what was wrong?"

He was babbling now, not exactly sure what he was saying, but he didn't want Javi and Yumi to meet, just in case. Maybe he was exaggerating- he probably was, it had been ages, in the end- but just in case he didn't want want to risk it. He remembered it all to well, disapproving looks and screaming matches, and the way her eyes flicked with relief, a brief light in her pained expression, when he had told her it was over.

"Okay, yeah." Javi hummed "That's probably better, I will take a look at the offers so I can tell you our budget options. I-" his voice wavered for a moment, and he cleared his throat before adding "The address is still the same."

"Okay." Yuzuru muttered, his stomach hurting "Uhm, is five good?"

"Sure."

Javi hang up, and Yuzuru let out a shaky breath before inhaling greedily. It was ridiculous, honestly, how he was reacting to that situation. And it was surreal, also, because suddenly the only thing linking him to Javi was a damn broken car, and past Yuzuru would have never believe that.

His legs were a little weak and arms not cooperating too eagerly, but he managed to finish what he had planned and then he headed to the bathroom, hoping to wash all the paint stains away.

"I'm going to check what's going on with your car." he announced as he went downstairs, making sure his mom had all she needed "Do you want something from the store? I can stop by on my way back."

"I have everything, thank you honey." she smiled at him, a bit tiredly "I think I will take a short nap now, and when you come back maybe we could watch something together?"

"Sounds great." Yuzuru smiled at her softly "I'm taking my phone, so call me with anything."

She nodded with a smile and sifted a little, resting her head against the cushions, and Yuzuru walked outside, closing the door quietly and locking it just in case.

The weather was truly nice, a great change after a few rainy days, and Yuzuru inhaled deeply, letting fresh air fill his lungs as he walked slowly, resigned to another wave of memories that he was sure would come in an instant. And he was right, because every step, every corner, every tree reminded him of the past, of another life, of someone he had used to be. He remembered trying to hide in mister Russell's hedge, and trying to learn skateboarding from Nam in front of the flower shop, with those funny stairs leading to it. He remembered running in the rain, teary- eyed and heading the same direction he was going now, and he could vividly recall how it felt to be pressed against that old maple tree, with nothing but the stars above them.

Yuzuru was too tired to be even mad at that, and he was ready to accept the fact that there was no escape from his memories, because was it even possible, to run away from the past? It was a part of him, in the end, no matter how much he would like to pretend otherwise.

It was almost funny, how it seemed that nothing had really changed, as if that little town stopped in time, and everything was just like the day Yuzuru had left for university, bright eyed and excited, but also a little homesick already. And then his world crumbled, an he left, as well as his mother, to try and heal in some place that didn't feel like open wound. He honestly had thought that he would never come back, but then his mom decided that she wanted to come back home, the one her heart was always at, and now Yuzuru was there too, as if fate was playing with him.

Deep in the memory river, Yuzuru didn't even think about the fact that he was probably going to see Javi's family until he saw the sign of the car shop, and then he felt panic clogging his throat. Javi's parents and Laura were always extremely kind to him, loving and supportive, and the last time he talked to them it was on his father's funeral.

How they were going to act now? After all they had been through and after how Yuzuru treated Javi after their break up? Would they still smile at him, or maybe they held a grudge against him? He was so stressed he had troubles swallowing, but he managed to collect himself enough to bring on his face something resembling a smile as he stepped on the driveway.

The garage was a little bigger than he remembered, but it was good, meant that business was doing okay. The lawn separating it from the house was a bot more wild, but it had some charm. Yuzuru's eyes quickly caught a colorful ball hidden in the tall grass, and his heart skipped as beat as he wondered if Javi was still living in that house with... with his son.

It was a bad idea, Yuzuru could see it clearly now, but it was too late to run away, because the garage door cracked and flew open, and two familiar silhouetted stood there, eyes set on Yuzuru.

Javi's dad moved first, after a few moments of silence, and he walked forward, limping slightly but still looking dignified. Yuzuru's heart almost jumped out of his chest, but Antonio offered him a quick, nice smile Yuzuru remembered so well, and a brief squeeze on the shoulder.

"Good to see you, son." he said, his voice maybe lacking the previous fondness but still kind, and then he walked towards the house, leaving him and Javi alone.

"Come inside." Javi invited him, not wasting any time and trying not to get even more awkwardness slip in between them, although Yuzuru was pretty sure it couldn't be any worse.

The inside of the garage looked clean and professional, but Yuzuru didn't have time to look around because Javi instantly led him to a table standing by the wall, where the stuff found in the car was displayed.

"Okay, so these envelopes were stuck in the trunk under the spare tire, and this wallet was hidden in the backseat, I wanted to check the car properly." Javi explained and Yuzuru nodded, barely listening to him, eyes fixed on an ugly brown wallet, and his heart ached terribly, throat clenching and barely letting any air in.

Javi was saying something about the car, and Yuzuru nodded absently, not really listening, and he reached to touch the rough, worn out leather.

"Yuzu? Hey, are you-"

Yuzuru didn't say anything to that, just rushed outside, stopping right by the door and taking deep, greedy breaths, trying to force his body to cooperate.

"Hey, it's good, just breathe, in and out, in an out-"

There was a voice speaking right into his ear, and a warm hand rubbing his back carefully, and Yuzuru doubled over, resting his palms on his thighs and trying to focus on himself, not on Javi or the waves of pain coursing through his body.

It took him a long while, but he managed to calm himself down, breathing shallow but regular and chest still hurting a little, but he felt like he had everything under control.

Well, not everything, because now he had to face Javi, who was standing by his side, his palm no longer on Yuzuru's back, but his expression still twisted in a worried frown.

"Are you okay?"

"Yes, I'm sorry for that." Yuzuru managed to sat, standing straight and attempting a smile "It's just... it belonged to-" he didn't finish, but Javi understood, face crumbling with compassion, and Yuzuru realized that he would give absolutely everything to just dive into Javi's arms and cling to him, hoping for all the bad blood to drain.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

They both almost jumped when a chirpy voice cut the air, and when Yuzuru looked at the house he saw Ethan running towards them, jacket not zipped and blonde hair flowing around, a tall glass of water in his hands, now half empty because of the way he was waving around with it.

"Here, for you!" he exclaimed, pushing the glass into Yuzuru's hands before looking at Javi "We saw you from the kitchen and nan told me to bring water! Are you okay?" he asked, looking at Yuzuru who was only able to nod silently, busy gulping his water, feeling immensely grateful and also embarrassed.

"Yes, I'm okay, Thank you." he croaked after a moment and Ethan gave him a wide grin.

"Dad says you're old friends." he said with and innocent excitement and Yuzuru saw how Javi pressed his lips in a tight line, ruffling Ethan's hair before looking at Yuzuru with oddly vulnerable expression.

"Well he's right." Yuzuru said, not knowing where he found enough strength to do so "We were pretty good friends." he couldn't help but add and Javi blinked rapidly, and then his lips curled in a smile so small and soft Yuzuru felt breathless again.

"Hmm." Ethan hummed, tilting his head as he watched Yuzuru thoughtfully, and then he brightened up all again "You should come for birthday dinner!" he announced with excitement before turning to look at Javi "Dad? That would be nice! Grandma said she would like to talk to him too!"

While Ethan seemed utterly excited, Javi actually paled, his tanned complexion turning unhealthy grey in mere seconds, and Yuzuru knew that it was not an option.

"That's so nice, but I'm really busy next week." he said as gently as possible, and Ethan pouted, his little face falling with disappointment.

"But-"

"Ethan, go back inside, okay? I will be there soon."

"But-"

"No buts buddy, off you go." Javi said, stern but gentle at the same time, and Ethan sighed dramatically.

"Okay." he said morosely before sending Yuzuru a smile "Bye!"

Yuzuru waved at him weakly and then looked at Javi, whose face was getting its normal color back, but his gaze was unreadable.

"I will give you a ride home." he said quietly and Yuzuru shook his head rapidly, actually terrified.

"No, it's okay-"

"No it's not, you almost collapsed in here, you're not walking anywhere on your own." Javi said, his tone a bit harsh, and Yuzuru shuddered, remembering the first time he had had an asthma attack in Javi's presence, and it only threatened to take him down the memory spiral and he couldn't, he truly couldn't allow that, so he only nodded weakly, taking a small step back.

"Okay." he said quietly, with difficulty "I will just, I will go and take those things?"

"Okay." Javi nodded, more gentle now "I will wait in my car."

Yuzuru was glad to have those few moments of solitude to calm himself down, and his heart still thudded when he took his father's old wallet in his hands and put it in te pocket of his jacket. But by the time he got into Javi's car, he was more or less collected.

They sat in an uncomfortable silence for a minute or two, and then Javi cleared his throat, shooting him a quick glance.

"So, about your car-"

"Honestly, I'll just take the quickest option, the money comes second" Yuzuru said "I really need that car."

"I understand." Javi nodded, a little stiff, and then, after a moment "Look, if you need a ride, to the hospital or somewhere, I can-"

"No, don't worry, we will manage." Yuzuru said quickly, and in his desperation to change the topic, he blurted out the first thing that came to his mind "Ethan seems awesome."

"He is." Javi said immediately, expression relaxing "He's the best thing that ever happened to me."

It would be probably better to drop the topic, but Yuzuru couldn't help himself now.

"It's his birthday next week?" he asked and he instantly knew it was a mistake, because Javi's fingers gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles went white.

"His mom's. He likes to celebrate it. To feel closer."

Yuzuru actually would like to get out of the moving car in that moment than to face the consequences of what he had just said, but instead he took a little shaky breath and looked at Javi, even though he couldn't look back at him, focused on the road.

"I'm so sorry." Yuzuru said softly, and Javi swallowed visibly, biting on his lower lip and not saying anything until he stopped in front of Yuzuru's house.

Now, without the sound of engine filling the space, the silence between them felt almost deafening, and Yuzuru's breathing hitched when Javi turned to look at him, opening his mouth and then closing it, shaking his head firmly, as if saying no to his own thoughts.

"I will call you when I have some news." he said, voice polite and unnatural, and suddenly Yuzuru decided that now, it wasn't going to be like that.

"Javi." he murmured, everything inside him trembling "I'm so, so sorry. I've heard..."

Javi inhaled sharply, his beautiful eyes widening as he looked at Yuzuru with what seemed like anxiety and regret and care mixed at once.

"It's okay." Javi said, quiet and gentle "But thank you. It's been... quite a decade." he attempted a joke, but his voice shuddered, and everything inside Yuzuru ached, a terrible, numbing pain that seemed to be seeping out of his bones and into every fibre of his body.

"I-" he mumbled, but he had no idea what to say, and he felt heat rushing to his cheeks, and his gaze dropped to Javi's lips, and it was stronger than him, a little yet nagging spark burning inside him, making his breathing hitch.

It was wrong, it wasn't okay and it was ridiculous, to suddenly feel like a teenager again, but with the heavy weight of the past still on his shoulders. But it was real, the way Yuzuru was out of breath all of the sudden, the way his heart fluttered in that specific, hopeless way, and in that moment he realized that there was still something there, feelings rooted deeper than he dared to imagine, and it scared him, it terrified him so much he mumbled his goodbye and stumbled out of the car, feeling breathless and light headed.

He opened the door with slightly trembling fingers and yelped loudly when he heard his name being called from the living room, mom apparently awake.

"Yuzu, you're back?"

"Yeah!" Yuzuru called back, quickly pressing his palms to his cheeks and wincing when he felt how warm they were, and he just hoped his mom wouldn't notice in the yellow light of the lamp "How are you feeling? All good?"

"Yes." she sighed, running a hand through her hair "I just woke up, I think I've heard a car, did someone give you a ride?"

At that point, Yuzuru was too tired to lie.

"It was Javi. There's still only one repair shop in here."

"Oh." she blinked quickly, surprised, and Yuzuru decided to take mercy on both of them, not letting that topic go any further, where none of them would feel comfortable.

"I will go grab a shower and we can watch that movie, yes?"

He had cleaned himself up right before leaving but he felt like he needed it again, his shirt clinging to his back, and it also felt kind of safe, standing under the stream of water and pretending that he could hide in that whispering sound, hot drops washing his burden away.

But it wasn't that easy.

Yuzuru pressed his hand against his mouth, swallowing an odd sound bubbling in his throat, and he breathed in deeply, sliding his palm down and pressing it against his heart, feeling strong yet quick and a bit erratic rhythm.

"What are you doing." he whispered, because it was impossible, it didn't make any sense, it was only because all of those memories piling up in him so abruptly, making him feel so... much. It had to be just that. There was no other option, right?

He blinked rapidly and raised his head, and on the fogged surface of the shower wall he saw his own reflection, looking back at him with both despair and pity. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next up: the tension grows so high it boils :p


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a simple idea that turned into a 4.6k monster??? Didn't go exactly as I thought but I've been breaking my head on this chapter for the whole week so I decided to yeet it to you, hope you enjoy :D

_ We spent so many nights _

_ Dreaming of a perfect life _

_ Will we make it? _

_ Have we made it? _

* * *

"Okay, who's next..." Nam hummed, eyebrows narrowed in wonder "I bet you know about Jeremy, he's been in every second underwear campaign-"

Yuzuru snorted at that, taking a sip from his bottle and then grinning at Nam.

"Yeah, it was hard to miss." he said with a suggestive smirk, igniting a loud laughter from Nam that almost made him fall from his chair.

They were sitting on the terrace of Nam's house, enjoying yet another surprisingly warm day and view on the pretty garden, some of the colorful leaves still remaining on the trees, shimmering in the soft orange light of an autumn afternoon.

Yuzuru felt like by now the biggest wave of shock and nostalgia was already past him, after a few more days of going around town and picking up memories from the pavements and constantly running into familiar faces. He was kind of used to that now, even got a couple of causal invites for a drink from old classmates and colleagues, but so far the best form of socialising for him was drinking beer with Nam and catching up on everything he had missed. From all the people from high school he was keeping in touch only with Christina, but it wasn't as close of a friendship as before, distance and time doing its job, but they still chatted from time to time.

"And how's your mom doing?"

"She's better. Although getting a little bored, staying at home all the time."

His mom always liked books and movies, but after a week of being basically grounded, she was missing her walks and working in the garden, growing a little antsy and tired of being stuck, and Yuzuru had no idea how to help her. Things were a little odd between them lately, as they chose not to think about certain things, and it was bugging Yuzuru too.

"My mom was wondering if she's okay to have visitors. They didn't really have an opportunity to catch up since your mom came back, so maybe now they could meet up? Play checkers like in the old days!"

"That sounds awesome." Yuzuru smiled gratefully "I'll check with her and let you know."

"Sure." Nam smiled back, softer "We gotta have each other's backs."

Yuzuru nodded, wrapping his both hands around the bottle and looking down at it, wondering if he should maybe start talking about Javi. He both wanted and didn't want to, the topic so confusing and almost scary, but the urge was so strong he had to bite his lip not to start babbling. In the end, he didn't want to annoy Nam with that, not exactly sure what his younger friend would think about that.

But well, Nam wasn't a child anymore, and when Yuzuru raised his head to look at him, he was met with a kind and mature gaze.

"You're doing alright?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, smiling tightly "Just... there's a lot to take, since I came here. It's still a bit overwhelming."

"I get it. A lot happened in here." Nam said gently, and Yuzuru shrugged, feeling an old sting of guilt panging inside his chest.

"I guess, but... I'm sorry I cut you off so... sudden?"

"I got it." Nam smiled reassuringly "I mean, I'm not gonna lie, I was upset, but I understood. Well, why you left, not why you-" Nam stopped abruptly, biting his tongue and wincing apologetically, and Yuzuru knew very well what he was about to say.

"Yes, past me had... not the best ideas." he muttered and Nam shook his head, reaching forward to pat Yuzuru's knee and then he launched into a light and funny stories about his work at the kindergarten. That attempt to lift Yuzuru's mood worked pretty well, so when he was crossing the street on the way home some time later, he was feeling alright.

He was just about to walk inside when he thought about checking the post, he hadn't done that for a couple of days, and a few moments later he was holding a handful of letters, some for sure bills. It was all addressed to his mom, but there was also one envelope with Yuzuru's name written on it, letters big and a little uneven, and his heart skipped a beat.

Putting his neutral smile on and hiding the letter to his back pocket, he walked inside, handing mom what was addressed to her and instantly offering to make them some tea. A few moments later, when he was safely hidden in the kitchen, with kettle hissing quietly, he took a deep breath and teared the envelope open.

Inside there was a simple piece of paper, folded, and when Yuzuru opened it he saw a colorful drawing of houses and flowers made with energetic hands of a seven years old, a few lines of text written on the bottom, with the same a bit shaky handwriting as on the envelope.

_ Hello! I would like to invite You on a birthday party next Wednesday at my and dad's house. I will really happy if you come and I think everyone would be too! _

_ Sincerly, Ethan. _

The letter was so adorably enthusiastic and innocent Yuzuru's heart clenched, flooded with warmth, and there was a big part of him that wanted to agree, just not to make the boy disappointed, and also that would give him a chance to see Javi again...

Yuzuru shook his head fiercely, putting the letter back and preparing tea, taking the cups to the living room and starting a light chatter with his mom, mentioning Nam's offer. His mom seemed really happy about the idea, and that led them to a nice and light conversation that still couldn't stop Yuzuru from thinking about the invitation and what he should do about it. He couldn't ignore it, but he couldn't also show up there just like that, so it was leaving him with only one option.

Later, when he was sitting in his room, Yuzuru took a deep breath, looking down at his phone and swallowing his anxiety down. He suddenly felt very hot, so he walked do the window, opened it and sat there, enjoying the soothing chill and gathering all his courage.

"Hi, I hope I'm not interrupting?" he said right after Javi answered.

"No, it's fine. Is everything okay?" Javi's tone was friendly and completely butterfly-evoking, and Yuzuru needed three seconds to get a grip on himself.

"Yeah, everything's fine, just, umm, I got a really lovely invitation from Ethan, for that dinner? I just thought I'd let you know."

"Oh." Javi exhaled deeply "Well that explains all the smug grins, I knew he was onto something."

"It's a pretty drawing." Yuzuru chuckled, feeling a bit more relaxed "I just wanted to let you know, because I'm, hmm, not sure what to do about it. It's really sweet of him, but I don't want to impose-"

"No it's okay." Javi said quickly and then, after a moment "You should come. If you want."

Yuzuru's heart thudded.

"I mean, yes." he blurted out and then yelped with horror that he came out too enthusiastic "But it's a family thing, so-"

"It's for Ethan. If he wants someone around, then... it would be great, if you came."

Javi seemed honest, like he truly didn't have a problem with that; moreover, he sounded almost glad, and the temptation was too strong.

"Okay, so next Wednesday? Is it, um, at your parents' house or-?"

"We actually live two houses away. At old Rogers' place? It's a long story." Javi chuckled "It should start around four, it's a school night so no wild partying."

It was quite a turn, from the previous awkwardness to a friendly conversation, but Yuzuru knew that Javi hated uncomfortable situations, so maybe he decided to work against it, for the sake of both of them

"Cool. Do I bring something?"

"Only good humor." Javi said, and Yuzuru snorted at the corny joke, his stomach fluttering.

"Sure, done. So I'll see you!"

The butterflies inside his chest didn't stop fluttering when the call ended, but were still happily tickling him, and Yuzuru sighed, dropping on his back and staring at the ceiling. During the past few days he had went through the true roller coaster of emotions, and he knew that everything was going to change soon, probably, Maybe he was even going to regret it, and it all would be awkward and suffocating again, like the time Javi had given him a ride, but Yuzuru just couldn't help it, couldn't work against the force that was pulling him closer and closer to Javi.

Or maybe that was just what he needed. To get more comfortable in that new situation, to accept the passage of time and everything what changed. He just needed to ease into that, and hopefully all that damn confusion would go away. 

Funny thing was that Yuzuru didn’t even like kids that much, usually. Or more, he wasn’t around them often enough to understand them. But Ethan seemed like a good kid, and well, he was Javi’s son. 

Yuzuru swallowed hard, his lips feeling dry, skin on the back of his neck itching naggingly. 

Javi was a year older than him, and he had married, and now had a son that was already going to school; while Yuzuru couldn’t maintain a relationship for longer than three months and lived basically only for his job. It only highlighted how much they had drifted away, and it made Yuzuru’s heart ache, his chest yet again filling with confusion, creepingly slowly into his brain.

He didn’t want to make things complicated. He just wanted everything to be okay.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, and kept on reminding himself that.

* * *

After ten minutes of trying to get his hair in order, Yuzuru gave up and just pushed it back with his wet fingers, hoping that it would look somewhat decent. He scanned himself in a mirror, and after a moment of inner debate he unbuttoned the top of his shirt, to look more casual. It felt almost wrong, to feel so excited about a dinner that was basically a memorial to Ethan's late mom and Javi's wife.

So, so odd.

His stomach churned a little, and he shook his head, scolding himself and making an inner promise not to make things weird. 

"You look so handsome, honey." his mom sighed when he stepped downstairs, mrs Nguyen already sitting by her side, big mugs of tea standing on the table in front of them.

"Indeed!" she nodded, grinning, and a little glint in her eye was telling Yuzuru she had an idea where he was heading. His mom, on the other hand, was blissfully unaware of that, only knowing that Yuzuru was going to hang out with some old friends. It wasn't a lie, right? He had just left some details out.

While he walked the familiar way to Javi's street, trying not to make too big steps and hoping that everything was going to go smoothly. Judging by the reaction of Javi's father, he didn't have to be scared of the family. He wondered if there was going to be someone from Annie's side, although Nam had mentioned that her family had stopped caring about her the moment she turned eighteen and didn't acknowledge existence of both Ethan and Javi. There was a possibility that there would be Patrick, but Yuzuru believed they could be civil with each other.

He thought it also made sense, for Javi to move out from his parents house but moving somewhere close. It was convenient and also was completely in tune with Javi's personality, bonds between him and his family so incredibly tight. And then his wondering was cut off because there he was, standing in front of a house he vaguely remembered being in the dirty shade of grey, but now was painted in light blue, warmth radiating from the whole facade and windows emanating with warm golden light.

Yuzuru stepped on the little stairs leading to the door, took a deep breath and pressed the bell before he could start panicking. He heard some cheerful voices coming from inside, and he had barely time to sway from leg to leg nervously before the door opened and he was standing face to face with Javi's mom.

They looked at each other for a long moment before she broke into a wide smile and moved closer, standing on her tiptoes to kiss him on a cheek.

"It's so nice to see you, Yuzu." she said softly, smile and tone of her voice honest "Come, come, everyone's excited to-"

"Hi!"

Her words came true as Ethan appeared in the corridor, stopping for a split second before running straight to Yuzuru and hugging him unabashedly, tiny arms wrapping around Yuzuru's middle. 

At that point Yuzuru wasn't even surprised at that burst of enthusiasm, so he laughed and ruffled Ethan's hair, grinning when the boy looked up at him.

"Hello! Thank you so much for the invitation, it was so pretty!"

"I'm happy you came." Ethan grinned back and then rushed away, chirping excitedly like a little bird. Yuzuru didn't even had time to think, because then Javi's dad appeared, squeezing his hand firmly, and then also Laura, smile a bit reserved but kind, asking about his mom and if they needed anything. Everyone was nice and Yuzuru was truly relieved, and as they led him to the table, he got a glimpse good enough to tell that the house was really pleasant and neat.

They entered the kitchen, a really spacious room full of light, and Yuzuru's heart skipped a beat when he finally saw Javi, busy stirring something in in a pot.

"Hey there." he smiled, throwing Yuzuru a smile over his shoulder "Come and sit, it's almost ready."

Yuzuru always thought that it was nice, when the dining table was in the kitchen. It was automatically giving a nice, warm atmosphere, and now it was perfectly fitting the mood. He was just so relieved that everyone was kind to him and that Javi seemed so relaxed, a bit of a contrast to their last two encounters.

The table was prepared nicely, with yellow napkins and a candle standing close to the top of the table. Yuzuru didn't have much time to think about it more, caught up in the crossfire of perfectly polite and not really deep questions that were great at maintaining light, casual atmosphere. Yuzuru was trying his absolute best and not stare at Javi too much, even though he looked so nice in dark jeans and green button up, with glasses sitting on the bridge of his nose, and Yuzuru could truly feel it, that warm pull telling him to get closer, to feel that heat seeping into his own skin.

It was probably normal, right? To still feel that spark of attraction, a physical reaction to someone he had used to be so close with?

"Okay, now we're ready." Javi announced, putting the pan in the middle of the table, its content hidden under the lid, and he sat down on a chair next to Ethan and right in front of Yuzuru.

Everyone went silent, and everyone smiled, looking at Ethan with eyes so gentle Yuzuru felt a lump in his throat, watching how the boy leaned forward a little, resting his elbows on the table.

"This is for mom, who's watching us and celebrating with the angels. Miss you." he said, honest and a bit clumsy, before blowing the candle off. It was simple and sweet, and Yuzuru's heart clenched with compassion, but then Ethan turned to him, all smiles and dimples in his cheeks.

"So what do you do?"

With all eyes turned to him, Yuzuru launched into a bit hectic story about his work, making it sound at least twice as exciting as it was in reality, but it ignited a comfortable conversation focused on present and not past, something Yuzuru was really grateful for. Still, it was a bit difficult to focus, since Javi was sitting right there, relaxed and calm, looking at Ethan with so much fondness and love Yuzuru felt almost like an intruder by just watching them.

However unusual to reason for the dinner was, in reality it was just a normal, small family gathering. Apparently on some appeared also Patrick, who was Ethan's godfather, and also someone named Judy, but neither of them could make it that year.

"Do you have any pets?" Ethan asked excitedly, a spoon of mashed potatoes hanging halfway to his mouth "I want a dog, but dad says no-"

"You'll get a dog when I know you'll be able to wake up early enough for walks." Javi chimed in and Ethan made an exasperated sound before focusing on Yuzuru again, awaiting an answer.

"Well, I had some allergies when I was younger so couldn't really have pets. And then I didn't really have time-"

"Oh, we've heard you spent some time abroad." Enriqueta said, smiling warmly, and Yuzuru almost choked on a piece of broccoli.

"Yeah, I spent two semesters in Switzerland. In Geneva, after-" his voice cracked a little, and he cleared his throat, annoyed with himself, and her eyes widened a bit, and immediately suggested her husband to maybe open a bottle of wine.

As the evening flew, Yuzuru was more and more aware of the fact that he had nothing to worry about. It seemed like all the bad blood that could have been between them had drained a long time before, and Yuzuru realized, with a sudden clench of his heart, how much he had missed it. How much he missed family dinners, warm kitchens and simple comfort food, and how much he missed all of them, and all the kindness they always had for him. And now it was almost easy to forget all what had happened, and if it weren't for Ethan by his side, Yuzuru could pretend for a millisecond that nothing had really changed.

There was a little moment of awkwardness when the food was finished and no one really seemed sure what to do, but then Laura clapped her hands and ordered to start cleaning, and Ethan grabbed his hand and led him to a cosy living room, flopping on the sofa and reaching to a little shelf under the coffee table.

"Here, here!" he said excitedly, waving at Yuzuru to sit down as well, and opening what turned out to be a photo album "Did you know my mom?" he asked bluntly and Yuzuru's mouth went dry, and he was only able to shake his head.

"Mhh, dad said that too." Ethan sighed, a bit of longing in his voice, and then gently patted a page with his finger "She's so pretty."

Yuzuru had to agree, because the pictures were showing a girl that maybe wasn't a classic beauty, but there was something in her delicate features and kind smile, and a bit of melancholy in her eyes. There was so much resemblence between her and Ethan, color of the eyes and hair, although he had Javi's long dark eyelashes and the way his hair curled a little.

"Very pretty." Yuzuru agreed and Ethan smiled brightly, flipping the page to reveal wedding photos and Yuzuru's stomach flipped, because well, despite his good mood, he wasn't ready for that.

They looked happy. Not extremely ecstatic, with those crazy bursts of happiness he would see on tv sometimes, but there was that sense of calm emanating from them, and it felt... right. And Yuzuru could see it in their eyes on the pics showing them facing each other, that gentle love written on both their faces.

It was okay, Yuzuru reminded himself, ignoring a painful and totally unreasonable tug of his heart. Sure, maybe a bit quick after their break up but who the hell Yuzuru was to question that? It was him who had left, in the end.

And it wasn't like it mattered. It was a different life, now, obviously. 

But why did it feel like a lie?

"I'm happy you came. I wanted to meet you."

"Oh." Yuzuru said dumbly, blinking quickly and coming back to reality "Really?"

"Yes." Ethan hummed, closing the album carefully "Dad has a lot of pictures of you too." he announced brightly, as if it was the most natural thing to say, and Yuzuru wished he still had that wine glass with him, because that was a lot to take in the span of a short few minutes.

"Well." he cleared his throat "I also have many pictures with my friends from school-"

"But-" Ethan started, seeming eager to share something more, but then Javi's mom appeared out of thin air, announcing that they were heading home and demanding a goodbye kiss from her grandson. Soon everyone was huddled around the sofa and Yuzuru was shaking hands and smiling, and suddenly it was only him, Ethan and Javi leaning against the doorframe separating kitchen from the living room.

"Shower." he said lightly and Yuzuru winced with confusion while Ethan groaned with protest.

"Daaaad!"

"School night, buddy, chop chop."

Ethan looked like he wanted to protest but he didn't, gave Yuzuru a pointed look and then walked away, making extra big steps and causing Javi to laugh.

"He's so dramatic, swear. Anyway, you want to help me finish that wine? Because if you don't it will stay here for ages-"

Following the pattern, Yuzuru only nodded silently, and a moment later Javi was sitting next to him, handing him a glass and smiling with so much ease it was hard to believe how tense things had been between them during the last two meetings.

"Thank you for coming, for real." Javi sighed, rubbing his forehead and taking his glasses off and putting them on the table "He's just, in this extremely curious stage, I swear-"

"It's fine, I had so much fun." Yuzuru reassured him quickly, and took a small sip for courage "Also, I wanted to apologize."

"Huh?"

"I know I've been a bit... weird?" he chuckled awkwardly "It's just... a lot of things, coming back here. And I’m sorry I’ve been all, you know-"

"It's okay." Javi smiled "I gotta apologize too, I've been kind of harsh, I feel? But yeah, it's just... a lot. Definitely." he laughed, a little breathlessly "Like you said."

Yuzuru cracked a smile, and shrugged, feeling a bit more relaxed, and he knew it was probably wine, but he didn't read too much into it, too focused on keeping things awkwardless.

"It's a really nice place." Yuzuru said, making a vague gesture with his hand, and Javi smiled, a hint of pride in the corner of his mouth.

"I got lucky. When old Rogers retired he decided to move to Yukon and was ready to sell it for practically nothing. I did some works around and I think it turned out pretty nice."

Yuzuru nodded silently, grip on the glass turning a little tighter. He felt that urge to apologize again, but he knew it was only because there was that odd need inside him, to talk about them. It was a stupid idea, Yuzuru knew, that wouldn't bring absolutely anything good. 

His expression must have been kind of peculiar, or maybe Javi saw there something specific, because his own expression flickered a little, smile softening.

“It’s not exactly where I imagined I would be at that point in life.” he said quietly “But it’s not bad.”

His smile was honest and a little nostalgic, and Yuzuru felt something stirring inside him, circling in his veins, and he opened his mouth with zero idea what he was going to say, but loud footsteps cut him off before he could ever start. 

“Hey there.” Javi smiled broadly, turning his attention to Ethan, who was standing by the sofa with his colorful pajamas on and damp hair sticking to his forehead “And where do you have your slippers?”

“They’re hiding from me!” 

“Sure.” Javi snorted and Ethan giggled before leaning to kiss his cheek.

“Goodnight!” he said before turning to Yuzuru “Will you visit again?”

“Well…” Yuzuru trailed away for a second, before making a decision “I’d love to.”

Ethan grinned and went back to his room, Yuzuru’s gaze trailing after him and his heart tugging weirdly inside his chest. And then the feeling only intensified when he looked back at Javi, who was staring at him with such a mix of emotions Yuzuru’s throat went dry. 

In the past, he would have been able to decipher Javi’s expression in seconds. Now, Yuzuru’s wasn’t sure of anything.

“I-”

“Don’t apologize.” Javi chuckled, soft and a little tired, shaking his head a little “It’s okay.”

Yuzuru flinched and looked down at his palms, that were suddenly so sweaty he decided to put his glass away, afraid it would slip from his fingers.

“Am I that obvious?”

“Like an open book.”

It wasn’t fair, really. That Javi could still read him so well while Yuzuru struggled so much.

“Okay, I won’t.” he sighed, looking back at Javi, who was still smiling.

“Bad break ups expire after three years.” Javi said, attempting a joke, and Yuzuru had to bite his tongue to stop an inappropriate comment from leaving his mouth. 

Suddenly, he started feeling heavy, maybe a tiny bit tipsy, and very tired. It felt like his good mood evaporated in an instant and he almost regretted coming here, visiting a life he didn’t really belonged to, and never would fit.

“I should go.” he said, standing up abruptly “I don’t want mom to worry.”

He was feeling oddly vulnerable, and Javi wasn’t really helping, looking at Yuzuru with the same smile he had given him the same night the properly met for the first time. And in a span of a second Yuzuru just missed that, missed the old days and when him and Javi had been bright eyed and convinced the future meant ‘together’.

“Oh. Yes.” Javi blinked quickly, standing up as well “You’re going to be okay?”

“Sure! Let me know when there’s something new about the car, yes?” Yuzuru babbled and Javi nodded slowly, expression turning a little puzzled.

“Sure.”

“Cool.” Yuzuru said, putting his hand on the doorknob “Thank you for having me.” he added and Javi nodded again, seeming like he wanted to say something more but only kept on looking at Yuzuru with that peculiar expression, and Yuzuru didn’t want to go, but he also wanted to run away, as far as possible.

“Bye.” he muttered, the sound of his voice ugly and high pitched, and he walked out into the grey evening, chilly air soothing his warm skin.

“Hey, wait!”

Yuzuru halted and turned around, and Javi was right there, real close and not wearing any shoes.

“Are you okay? Do you want me to walk you home?”

Yuzuru blinked, confused and terrified at how much he wanted to agree.

“You’re not wearing any shoes.”

“I could in a moment.”

“And you probably shouldn’t leave Ethan.”

“It’ll be twenty minutes.”

Why was it so hard, suddenly? Yuzuru had survived the past few years with the memories and feelings shoved into that little box in the back of his mind, and now it was all bubbling out to the surface, and there was nothing he could do about it. He was always so careful, not to go back in time and not to imagine other, happier scenarios, but it seemed like the tame was broken, flooding his mind with unreasonable images.

"Sorry." he muttered, taking a step back and feeling miserable, and not exactly sure for what he as apologizing now “I’ll see you around.”

He looked at Javi for a second longer, enough to see his smile morphing into puzzlement, and Yuzuru would smack himself if he could, but he ended up giving Javi a weak and awkward wave and walked away, every step putting more distance between them and setting more and more weight on his shoulders.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter we're going back to the past! I focused mostly on dynamics between Yuzuru and his parents, because I really like to tackle family stuff, even when things are a bit complicated. It's also kinda real life inspired, I really enjoyed writing this even though the topic itself is kind of sensitive.

Yuzuru let out a muffled, breathless sob, the only sound able to form in his squeezed, aching chest, and he forced his foot to move as quickly as possible. He didn't have energy to run anymore, but he still walked fast, trembling with how cold he was, his soaked clothes sticking to his skin and rain falling even harder than before. It was dark already and the weather was terrible so the streets were deserted, and Yuzuru was kind of glad, he didn't want anyone to see him in his miserable condition. His face was unhealthy flushed despite how cold he was, anger and tears still coiling inside him, but his adrenaline was dropping quickly and he was feeling more and more tired with every passing moment. Luckily soon he saw a familiar building in front of him, and his heart stuttered with relief, but also with a slight embarrassment that they would see him in such a pathetic state.

It was Javi's mother who opened the door, and she gasped loudly, eyes widening with anxiety.

"Oh Yuzu, sweetie. what happened? Come inside, quick-"

"I'm sorry for the hour." Yuzuru said, his voice cracking as he let her drag him to the kitchen "I just didn't know where to go?"

"It's okay, just-" Enriqueta sat him on a chair and turned to Laura, who stood by the counter with a baffled expression on her face "Laura, fetch me some towel please? And go get Javi, tell him to get some clothes, alright?"

Laura nodded and left quickly, and Enriqueta looked at Yuzuru again, smiling with gentle concern.

"What's wrong, sweetie?"

_ Yuzuru came back from school in a great mood and now was sitting in his room and doing homework, but his thoughts were drifting in an entirely different direction, and he sighed, leaning back in his chair and looking through the window at the calm evening of a late spring, the world getting darker and darker, a few dark clouds forming on the horizon. _

_ A month passed since that fateful party at Jeremy's place that had brought Yuzuru and Javi together. On the following Monday Javi had waited for Yuzuru by the entrance and asked if he wanted to have lunch together, and from that moment they were inseparable. _

_ Sometimes Yuzuru couldn't believe that it was happening, just like that, that it could be so easy even without his absolute lack of experience in relationships. But Javi was funny and sweet, incredibly patient and also was a great kisser, and Yuzuru felt for most of the times like he was floating in some happy stream of bubbles. _

_ But well, not everything was perfect. _

_ Yuzuru had visited Javi's house a number of times already, had dinner with his parents and Laura, and they all liked each other a lot. But after all those weeks Javi still didn't meet Yuzuru's parents, hell, they didn't even know Yuzuru had a boyfriend. _

_ Yuzuru groaned, placing his feet on the desk and pushing, his chair rolling to the middle of the room when he started spinning a little, a doubtful grimace forming on his lips. It wasn't like he was scared of telling them about that, he just was a bit... careful. _

_ The thing was, Yuzuru knew that his parents loved him, they loved him and Saya more than anything. But they had also been raised in a different country, in a society much more conservative than the one they were living in now, and Yuzuru just wanted to play it right. They knew that he was interested in boys, they knew since he had been thirteen and confused and looking for answers from the people he trusted the most. They were both accepting, although Yuzuru knew that his mom had a bit of a harder time, and the fact that he wasn't really dating and hanging out with Christina so much was making it easier to just not bring the topic up. _

_ Yuzuru clicked his tongue, not amused with his own thoughts, and decided to go downstairs and fetch some tea, then go back to homework and then enjoy the weekend. _

_ But when he stepped into the kitchen, he saw his mom sitting by the table and looking at him with an odd expression Yuzuru couldn't read, and it spooked him a litte, because he usually could get her pretty easily. _

_ "Yuzu, sit down." she said, her voice flat but with some dangerous undertone "We need to talk." _

"Mrs Nguyen saw us one day and today she asked mom about it." Yuzuru muttered.

He was much calmer now, and warm, wearing dry clothes, one hand wrapped around a cup with tea and the other being held by Javi, who was sitting right by his side.

"Mom got upset, I got upset, and just, uhm, run away. I'm sorry for com-"

"Don't apologize, sweetie." Javi's mom sighed, touching his forehead absently "I understand that it was a lot of emotions, but your parents must be worried sick now."

She was right, and Yuzuru swallowed hard, looking down at his cup. He knew that it wasn't fair, leaving the house like that, but a thought about coming back was making his stomach flip.

"I kinda hoped I could stay here." he mumbled and Javi squeezed his hand tightly.

"Mom?"

"I think-" Enriqueta sighed, brushing her hair behind her ear "If you call your parents from our phone and let them know you're here, that you're safe, then of course you can stay." she said, but seeing Yuzuru's pale expression, she sighed softly again "You know what, sweetie, I can call them, and I will assure them that you're alright and warm. Is this okay?"

"Thank you." it was all Yuzuru could say through his clenched throat and she smiled gently.

"Of course. And don't worry, sweetheart, it will all be okay."

Yuzuru nodded numbly, and Laura, who was standing in the corner, silent up to that moment, cleared her throat and brought on a bright, encouraging smile.

"So in the meantime we can have some popcorn and watch tv? I think Indiana Jones is on."

"I think that sounds like a plan." Javi said, looking at Yuzuru with soft concern on his face, and Yuzuru's heart skipped a beat, and he couldn't help himself, he leaned forward to rest his forehead against Javi's shoulder, exhaling deeply.

"I'd like that."

"Are you okay?" Javi asked quietly, brushing Yuzuru's bangs away, and Yuzuru bit his lower lip, fingers fiddling with the front of Javi's t-shirt.

They were huddled in Javi's bed, facing each other. Yuzuru was feeling exhausted, but at the same time a bit jittery, and even Javi's proximity couldn't calm him down completely. He had spent a nice evening, truly, but he couldn't ignore what happened and what he would have to face the next day.

"I think my mom..." Yuzuru started, not sure how to voice the thoughts swirling inside his head "I think she kinda hoped it was just a phase. And now, she's just- she doesn't know how to react."

"Oh Yuzu." Javi sighed, putting his finger under Yuzuru's chin and gently forcing him to look up and meet his gaze "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Yuzuru said automatically "I think she's more upset that I didn't tell her about you. We used to have no secrets."

It stang a little, and Javi caressed his cheek tenderly before kissing his forehead.

"I'm sure it will all work out." he said and Yuzuru nodded numbly, moving closer and pressing his face against the crook of Javi's neck, warm and safe.

It was the first time they were sharing a bed, but it felt so natural Yuzuru didn't feel awkward about it, or maybe it was because there was so much going on he didn't have the right mind to think about it. For now all that mattered was that he was feeling safe, and that he could almost believe that everything was going to be alright.

* * *

"Maybe I should come in with you?" Javi asked and Yuzuru shook his head, squeezing Javi's hand.

"Next time." he promised, hoping that he would be able to keep it, and Javi sighed before nodding softly, giving Yuzuru a warm smile.

"I guess I shouldn't kiss you right now?" he asked, looking a bit shy, and Yuzuru let out a strangled chuckle before leaning to kiss Javi's cheek.

"I'll call you." he murmured before taking a deep breath, letting go of Javi's hand and going inside the house.

He had a feeling to check the kitchen first, maybe because it was the place he had ran away from the day before, and it turned out that he was right. His mom and dad- absent during the previous fight- were sitting by the table with their cups of coffee, clearly waiting for him, something tense in the air between them, as if there was a shadow of disagreement. Yuzuru stopped awkwardly, not sure what to do, and dad gave him a little half smile, as if trying to encourage him.

"Good morning, son." he said and Yuzuru felt a little bit braver, stepping closer and sitting at the top of the table, so he had a good view on both of them.

"Hi." he said, and had to clear his throat before continuing "I'm, um, sorry, for running away."

"That was very immature of you, Yuzu." his mom said sternly and Yuzuru knew he deserved it "We were really worried."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Only for that?" his mom pressed a little and Yuzuru winced, looking down at his hands briefly before facing her again.

"I guess I'm sorry for not telling you earlier."

"You guess you're sorry?" she repeated, her voice dangerously high, and Yuzuru's dad cleared his throat, clearly determined to try and keep the conversation calm.

"We're just a bit surprised you didn't tell us earlier, that's what mom means." he said and Yuzuru shifted uncomfortably.

"I just didn't know how."

"How to tell us?"

"How you'd react."

That made both of his parents gape a little, eyes narrowing.

"Yuzu, we love you, and it's not about you dating a boy, but about the fact that for some reason you didn't trust us enough to tell us about it." his dad said gently, but when Yuzuru looked at his mom, she was glancing down with an odd expression on her face, and Yuzuru's heart felt like it was squeezed by some long, cold fingers.

"Mom?" he asked quietly and she finally looked at him.

"I'll be honest with you, Yuzu." she said, and Yuzuru felt a little nauseous "I don't really like the idea of you going around with that boy."

"His name's Javi." Yuzuru forced through this dry throat "And he'd really like to meet you."

"That would be lovely." dad chimed in and Yuzuru sent him a grateful glance before turning to mom again. He kind of wanted to ask if she would still be so opposed to him dating if it was a girl in the picture, but he knew that it would be rude and unfair, and him being hurt by her reaction wasn't enough of a justification.

"I really like him, okay." he murmured, feeling oddly vulnerable "I just didn't want to jinx it."

They didn't say anything for a moment, and then his mom stood up, moving to Yuzuru and kissing the top of his head.

"I love you, Yuzu. And I will never stop worrying about you." she said, caressing his cheek before walking away slowly. A moment later they heard her footsteps as she was going upstairs, and Yuzuru didn't know if he wanted to cry or sigh with relief.

"Well." his dad hummed after a moment of silence "I think Planet Earth is about to start."

It was their little Saturday ritual, so Yuzuru followed his dad to the living room and they sat on the couch, but that time he couldn't really focused on the life of whales, eyes registering the pictures but not really following what was going on. After a few minutes of silence dad put his arm around Yuzuru's shoulders and gently pulled him closer, letting their temples rest against each other.

"You grew up so quickly." Yuzuru's dad said, warm and quiet "And as parents, we always have some hopes and expectations, but I need you to know that they don't matter, and the only important thing is that you're happy. You know this, right?"

Yuzuru only nodded, throat too tight to speak.

"Good." his dad chuckled, squeezing his shoulder "Now, if you have any protection questions, maybe come to me and not mom-"

"Dad!" Yuzuru screeched, all the emotions fading away and morphing into a feeling of horror "We, uh, not-!"

"Okay." dad laughed, patting Yuzuru's knee "Ice cream?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, and then added "I'll go ask mom if she wants to."

"That's a good idea."

Ten minutes later they were all sitting with their bowls of ice cream, watching life on the bottom of the ocean, and even if there was still something a little tense in the air, Yuzuru felt weirdly calm.

Maybe things weren't perfect, but Yuzuru was strangely sure that one day, they would.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *slides in* hello beautiful people, I apologize for being a lil absent but please accept this chapter speaking of misery? (but rememmber it's a drama Sunday movie, we're slowly heading towards the light!)

_I guess life has changed and so have we_   
_'Cause we are older now it seems_

* * *

The morning after dinner at Javi’s Yuzuru woke up with a headache that seemed to have nothing to do with all the wine he had drunk the night before. He groaned and rolled on his stomach, wincing at the throbbing in his temples, and he reached for his phone to check the time. It was a few minutes after seven, so he knew he could allow himself to nap for a bit longer, but now he was more aware of other little paints stinging his body like needless. His throat was sore, hurting with every swallowing attempt, and his nose was unpleasantly full, making it hard to breathe. 

Sighing with effort, Yuzuru pushed himself up on his elbows and rummaged through the drawer of his nightstand, finding a pack of tissues and blowing his nose, bringing himself a temporary relief. There was no point in denying that he wasn’t in the best condition, probably all the evenings spent with his windows open despite the chilly weather mixed up with his lack of sleep finally taking a toll on his body. He knew that he had to get himself together and not worry his mom, so he got up and went to the bathroom, where he took a hot shower and found an almost empty box of paracetamol. When he glanced into the mirror he looked tired but not sick, and it had to be good enough. 

Before his mom woke up, he drank tea and forced himself to eat half of a banana, not really hungry but also knowing that he needed something in his stomach. 

“Good morning, sweetie.” his mom said, smiling softly as she slowly approached the dining table, sitting down carefully and wincing a little. Her leg was obviously bothering her a lot, but her sprained wrist was still giving her trouble as well, and Yuzuru thought that he would have to call his boss and talk about how they could organize his work situation. There was no possibility for him to come back to Toronto in the near future, that was sure, but for some reason Yuzuru wasn’t upset about that, which was a big change from how he had been feeling about going back to his hometown.

“Thank you.” she sighed when he put a plate and a cup of tea in front of her “You’re not hungry?”

“I ate already.” Yuzuru said, sitting down and wrapping his hands around his mug “How are you feeling? You enjoyed the checkers match?”

“Good. And I had such a lovely evening yesterday!” she smiled brightly “And you? Did you have fun?”

“A lot.”

Yuzuru tried not to think about how warm and lovely the dinner had been, and how then he made it all awkward by the end, and he hoped that his smile was believable. 

“That’s nice. I’m happy you’re… feeling okay, here.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru mumbled, not wanting to get deeper into that topic, because he was confused enough and he still had a fever, and he can’t focus on the war going on inside his head. 

“So, I thought that maybe I could take a painting break, for a day or two? I might need some more paint and I don’t really want to carry it all the way from the store.”

The real reason was that he was feeling so weak a thought of going up a ladder and waving his brush for hours was not appealing at all, and he would probably end up on the floor at some point. 

“Oh, yes, of course.” mom smiled, but then her expression wavered just a little bit, glancing aside before looking at Yuzuru again “Do you know how’s the car repair going?”

“Good, good.” Yuzuru said hurriedly before standing up “I think it should be ready soon. I will go put laundry on, and then we can have a coffee? I’ll be right back!”

That makeshift escape plan was kind of pathetic but it was the best Yuzuru could do at the moment and well, his clothes could really use some refreshing, and he also decided to throw into the machine two thin blankets that mom would wrap herself in during colder evenings. 

With the laundry machine growling quietly in the background, Yuzuru put his hands on the sink and took a deep breath before looking in the mirror and grimacing at his reflection. He didn’t look good, with a slight but unhealthy blush painting his cheeks and a tormented expression overall. It was a good representation of how he was feeling inside, and Yuzuru couldn’t stop his thoughts from running freely to the day before. 

It had been so nice, and easy to believe that him and Javi could just act normally, maybe become some kind of friends even. And Javi seemed comfortable and ready to take things that way, and it was Yuzuru who made things all odd and about himself in the end. The memory was making him feel even hotter, skin warming up rapidly with embarrassment and annoyance at himself, and also that odd spark that seemed to be burning deep inside him for the past few days. Now, when Yuzuru was sober and not in Javi’s close proximity, it was easy to dismiss all of the emotions that had been crushing him before, pack them in little boxes and shove them away where they belonged and when they had been safely hidden for the past decade. And as he was looking into his own eyes, a little dimmed with fever, he could really almost believe that it was still only his confusion, old guilt and old love messing with him, already vulnerable after coming to that place that had marked him so much. 

Yuzuru shook his head and splashed his face with cold water, hoping that would make him look like a perfectly fine person again, and he walked downstairs, ready to face yet another day.

* * *

The next morning, he couldn’t really pretend anymore that he was feeling okay.

“Yuzu, honey, what’s going on?” his mom asked the moment she saw his face after walking into the kitchen, looking tired herself “Do you have a fever?”

“A little.” Yuzuru cracked, his voice rough and ugly, words hurting his throat “But I’m okay, it’s nothing serious, I just hope you won’t catch it.”

“Maybe you should go see a doctor, honey.” she said with worry, reaching to touch his cheek “And you need a rest.”

“I-”

“We’ll get some take out today. And you’re not moving from under the blanket.” she stated firmly, and Yuzuru hated how her eyes shimmered with guilt “You’ve been doing so much, and you need to take care of yourself, I can’t-”

“Okay.” Yuzuru said, cutting her off and taking her hand, squeezing it gently “So we'll just have a movie marathon today and a lot of tea.”

“With honey and ginger, we have it somewhere in here.” Yuzuru’s mom said, smiling tenderly, but Yuzuru could still feel that she was upset with herself for not noticing earlier, or blaming herself for being a bad mother, and Yuzuru’s heart ached.

“That sounds great.” he said, smiling back the widest he could “So, what are we watching today?”

After a few long days spent on the sofa in front of a tv, Yuzuru’s mom was a little bit picky, fed up with some tropes and director decisions, so in search for something refreshing to watch Yuzuru stumbled onto the list of movies nominated for Oscars in a foreign film category, and they spent their morning on watching a depressing and European black and white movie that ignited an interested history talk between them, but also they decided that the next pick should be something lighter. They also had to choose from their two food delivery options, one of them being pizza and the other one being a Thai restaurant with three terrible opinions online, making them settle on the first one.

It was a slow, calm day, and despite being not in the best shape, Yuzuru truly enjoyed it. The conversation between him and his mom flew easily, and at some point Yuzuru wanted to tell her, almost. Tell her that he had met Javi, and that it was still a thing that confused him so much, and that Javi had a child, a lovely boy who was making Yuzuru smile but also any thought of him was making his heart ache in that odd, unfamiliar way. He didn’t do that, of course, but Javi’s name was brought up anyway, when some time after finishing their food Yuzuru’s phone rang cheerfully, the caller’s id making Yuzuru’s heart jump.

“Hello?” he asked after pushing himself up from his half-lying position, aware of his mom watching him curiously.

“Hello, Yuzuru.” Javi said easily, and Yuzuru was relieved that his odd behaviour hadn’t brought them back to previous awkwardness “I just wanted to let you know your car is ready, I got the parts in the morning and after that it was a blink, so you can stop by anytime you want.”

“Oh, thank you!” Yuzuru stuttered, wishing his mom would stop watching him with that hawk-like gaze “Umm, is it okay if it stays there for a day or two?”

“Sure.” Javi answered slowly, clearly a little suspicious “Is everything okay? You sound a little-”

“I’m fine, just caught some flu or something.” Yuzuru explained as shortly as possible “I’m a little dizzy tho, so I don’t want to drive.”

“Oh.” Javi gasped quietly “Well, I can take it to your place, if it’s okay? But it can stay here if you prefer that.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.” Yuzuru muttered, looking down and willing himself not to look at his mom, just in case.

“Come on, don’t be like that.” Javi chuckled, as if never bad had ever happened between them “I can be there in an hour, if that’s okay?”

“Sure.” Yuzuru agreed, not knowing what he could say otherwise “Thank you.”

“See you in a bit!”

Yuzuru put his phone down deliberately slow, taking a few seconds before glancing at his mom whose expression was a bit hard to read, but at least she didn’t seem upset.

“It was Javi. He’ll bring the car soon.”

“Oh, that’s good.” she nodded, and she seemed to be eager to point the conversation elsewhere, but then changed her mind apparently, asking “How is he doing?”

“Good, I think.” Yuzuru muttered, his face heating up with something that for sure wasn’t fever “Very helpful. Polite.”

“That’s… nice.”

Yuzuru had no idea what she wanted to know, and why was she asking exactly, and he felt physically bad with not telling her what he had learned, about their meetings, but the words couldn’t make it up his throat, so he only shrugged, looking down at his hands, and his mom mercifully dropped the topic. 

They resumed watching, but Yuzuru couldn’t focus, feeling anxious and jittery and trying not to glance at the front door every few seconds, awaiting Javi’s arrival. So when he finally heard a soft sound of an engine on their driveway, he basically jumped out from under a blanket, sending his mom a tight smile as he went to the door quickly, making a hopeless attempt at trying to get his hair in order, combing through it with his fingers.

When he stepped outside, Javi was out of the car as well, and of course Yuzuru wasn’t ready to see him, all gentle smiles and eyes, hair curling softly in the little drizzle. 

“Hey.” he said, stepping closer, his expression flickering with concern as he took a better look at Yuzuru’s face “You’re alright?”

“Yeah, just got a flu or something. It’s okay.” Yuzuru said, and of course his voice had to crack by the end, and he cleared his throat, watching Javi definitely not buying that, and Yuzuru wasn’t ready to face that caring side of him, he needed him to go and not see him in the state of pathetic mess.

“So, how much do I owe you?”

“I’ll send you the receipt for the part.”

“And the service?”

“That’s on me.” Javi smiled brightly and Yuzuru shook his head.

“No-”

“Yes.” Javi said, clearly not taking a no for an answer “Now, do you need a ride?”

“Huh?”

“To a doctor.” Javi specified, face and tone of his voice serious “You don’t look good.”

“Well thanks.” Yuzuru muttered and Javi chuckled apologetically.

“Sorry.” he said softly, reaching out and gently brushing Yuzuru’s bangs away, the gesture easy and familiar, as if he wasn’t thinking about it, and Yuzuru’s heart fluttered rapidly. 

Javi blinked and took a deep breath, as if now only realizing the intimacy of the gesture, but he didn’t move his hand, his fingertips brushing against Yuzuru’s cheek, eyes huge and almost surprised.

It was too much, hot waves crashing inside of Yuzuru’s body and making him feel even more dizzy, but also not enough, his skin crawling with longing he didn’t have courage to name. 

“Thank you.” he said, his voice ugly and hoarse, and he stepped back, letting Javi’s hand slip and already missing his warmth “I, uhm, say hi to Ethan from me?”

Javi nodded slowly, watching Yuzuru with puzzlement before sending him a small smile and walking away, putting a hood on his head and slowly putting more and more distance between them. 

Yuzuru felt unwell, lightheaded and with his heart pounding rapidly, so when he walked back inside on his shaky legs, he told his mom he would go to take a nap, cutting off any questions she could have. Dizzy, he curled up in his bed and fell into a restless slumber that wasn’t bringing him too much relief, and which was brutally broken an hour later when someone knocked to the door of his room.

“Come in.” Yuzuru said groggily, sitting up and rubbing his face in frustration, ready to bring his mom some excuses, but was shocked when the person entering his room wasn’t her.

“Hi.” Laura said, leaning against the doorframe and smiling at him warmly “Your mom let me in.”

“Uhm, hi?” Yuzuru said, doing a poor job at covering his confusion, and her smile softened while still remaining kind.

“Javi told me you were feeling off so I offered to step by on my way to work, to check how you guys are doing. Your mom seems to be in good condition, she showed me her wrist, it’s healing real nicely.”

“Oh.” Yuzuru gasped, having a hard time catching up, and then blushing a little “Thank you so much.”

“It’s not a problem.” Laura chuckled, stepping closer and sitting down next to Yuzuru “Do you mind? I ain’t no doctor, but I think I could help.”

Yuzuru couldn’t say no to that, so he let Laura take his temperature and check his lymph glands, and even have a look in his throat. 

“Seems like a real nasty cold to me.” she hummed “I recommend a lot of rest, a lot of fluids and vitamin C, but if you don’t get well soon then please, go see a doctor.”

“I will.” Yuzuru promised, feeling a bit more relaxed, if still sick “Thank you so much, Laura. Really.”

“It’s not a problem.” she said with a smile, patting his knee “You’re family.”

She said it with such ease, as if it was the most obvious and well known fact in the world, and Yuzuru’s stomach flipped, clenching painfully. Laura seemed to sense that she had misspoke a little in a way, and her smile turned apologetic and maybe a bit awkward, and she looked away for a moment before turning to Yuzuru again.

“Yuzu, can I ask you something?”

Yuzuru knew he could say no and she wouldn’t get upset, but he only nodded, gathering enough courage to look her in the eyes. It was Laura, Javi’s siter, with whom Yuzuru had spent hours talking about everything. And when Yuzuru left Javi, he left Laura too, and the friendship they used to have, and he owed her that, answers and honesty.

“Of course.”

“It’s-” Laura started, and then chuckled nervously, as if not knowing how to put her thoughts into words, or maybe if she should ask at all “Yuzu, what are you doing?”

“What?” Yuzuru asked, confused, and Laura’s expression remained apologetic, but now there was also a hint of determination set in the corner of her mouth.

“Just… I saw the way you’re looking at Javi, and God knows I have no right to meddle but Yuzu-” she closed her eyes for a second before looking at her, serious and gentle, and almost a little bit sad “You can’t break his heart again.”

Yuzuru felt like he couldn’t breathe.

“I don’t understand.” he croaked, looking at her helplessly “Laura, I don’t- I-”

“I’m sorry.” she sighed, tired and honest “I just-”

“There’s nothing, really.” Yuzuru said, swallowing hard “I’m just a bit- a bit overwhelmed. But it’s been almost a decade, and he, he has Ethan-” his voice cracked pathetically at the end, and he felt hot tears gathering in the corners of his eyes, and he blinked quickly, hoping for them not to fall.

“Oh Yuzu.” Laura sighed, reaching to take his hand and squeezing it gently “I… Javi loved Annie, and Ethan is his whole world, but I know him, Yuzu. I know my brother, and the way he loved you- and I can’t help but wonder if it’s all going to happen again.”

It was too much. It was too much and Yuzuru had no idea how to deal with her words, he didn’t even have an idea what to make out from his own feelings. So he decided to go to a place that could offer him just a tiny bit of safety- denial.

“We were kids.”

Laura’s eyes were big and full of gentle sympathy, and so, so much like Javi’s.

“It doesn’t mean that love wasn’t real.”

At that, something in Yuzuru broke, words so like Saya's, stabbing his little heart. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he hung his head down, his body trembling. It was almost funny, or maybe pathetic, how easily it was falling down, that thick brick wall he had been building around himself, putting a distance between him and his past. He sniffled quietly, and felt an arm wrapping around his shoulders, warm and comforting. 

“I’m sorry.” Laura whispered again “What happened in the past wasn’t anyone’s fault, and I can only imagine how hard it was for you. But he can’t go through that again. I can’t go through that again.”

A wicked, desperate part of Yuzuru wanted to ask what she meant exactly. What Javi had been doing during those days right after their break up, when Yuzuru was crying his days away into the pillow? It didn’t take him long, in the end, to move on with Annie. Maybe that love hadn’t been so real, afterwards

Or maybe, it was just over. For years now, as it should be-

“Don’t worry.” Yuzuru managed to say, pulling back a little to look at Laura’s face “I don’t lo-”

He couldn’t say it. Not now, not when everything he had forced himself to believe in was dissolving like morning mist. 

“You need to rest.” Laura murmured, gently guiding him to lay down and then covering him with a blanket “I’m so sorry, for upsetting you-”

“It’s okay.” Yuzuru muttered, weak and miserable, his eyes falling shut “I just have a fever.” he said, as if that could explain everything. 

Laura said something quietly, something Yuzuru couldn’t catch, and the last thing registered before falling into the darkness was a soothing caress on his temple, as if she wished to take all of his burden away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Funny story, I was happily writing a chapter and then suddenly realized there should be a chapter from the past before that one, so thungs stretched in time a little bit??? Anyway, here it is, a snippet from the past- also a little heads up, some sexual content in this one, but no graphic smut, mostly some talk :p

_I'd give it all for one_   
_just one more chance to run_

* * *

Yuzuru grinned and quickened his pace as he took a turn to Javi's driveway, passing the house and walking straight to the garage where he knew his boyfriend would be, finishing his work. Javi was helping his dad on regural basis for years now, having fun with it and seeing his future in the family business. He was good at it already, and Yuzuru was happy that he enjoyed it so much, but he was also a bit jealous of how confident Javi was about what he wanted to do in life, while Yuzuru still wasn't sure. He wanted to go to university, but he wasn't sure about what exactly he should focus on. There was so many ideas, so many opportunities, and it scared him a little, that he would have to make such an important decision so soon.

But all those little nagging concerns flew through the window as he stepped inside the garage, the smell of oil and antifreeze swirling in his nose. During the first few visits it had made him sneeze, but now he was pretty used to it, just like he was used to the sound of metal scraping against metal and Javi's quiet, cheerful humming. Speaking of Javi, he looked at Yuzuru the moment he heard him entering, his smile wide and bright.

"Hey!" he exclaimed, reaching for a piece of cloth and wiping his hands, walking around the car he had been working on and leaning to kiss Yuzuru on the lips before taking a step back, smiling.

"Just finished here." he said, and Yuzuru nodded, grinning like an idiot, butterflies going berserk in his stomach, like everytime he was near Javi, or anytime he thought about him, to be honest.

And even when tired and messy after work, Javi looked so damn good, wearing faded jeans and grey undershirt, both worn out and stained and only making his attractiveness stand out more.

"Let's go to the house, I will just get cleaned up."

Yuzuru wanted to oppose, everything in him calling to just step into Javi's embrace and kiss him for real, but the more collected part of his brain reminded him that his mom would probably bite his head off if he let some of the car oil get on his shirt, and Yuzuru was trying to give her as little reasons to be upset as possible.

"Okay." he nodded, reaching to take Javi's hand as they walked to the house. Javi's parents were visiting their friends in another town, leaving Javi only with Laura and a perfect opportunity for a long evening with movies and popcorn.

Javi sat Yuzuru down on the sofa in the living room, stealing one more kiss and promising to be quick before basically running towards the bathroom. Yuzuru didn't even have time to start missing him, Laura appeared out of nowhere, flooping on the armchair so dramatically she almost spilled whatever she was having in the giant mug in her hands.

"Hellooo, my future brother." she greeted him smugly, and Yuzuru rolled his eyes, pretending to be exasperated but smiling at her instantly.

"How's school?" he asked and she let out a long sigh.

"Killing me but I'm kinda enjoying it."

Laura was yet another person who seemed to be knowing exactly where she was going, attending a nursery school and putting most of her endless energy into that.

"I know you'll manage. You're the coolest person I know." Yuzuru said and Laura chuckled, but she was clearly pleased with the compliment.

"Well, now this cool person is coming back upstairs and keep on frying her brain." she announced, getting up "So you guys can do your things with no fear." she added, wiggling her eyebrows, and Yuzuru groaned, his cheeks flushing. It wasn't the first time Laura teased him like that and Yuzuru always reacted the same, with a doze of embarassment and a pinch of something hot deep in his gut, something he hoped wasn't visible on his face.

Him and Javi were dating for two months now and they hadn't got anywhere past make out, although some sessions were getting pretty heated and then giving Yuzuru many things to think of in the nights.

"I'm back!" Javi sang, putting his hands on Yuzuru's shoulders and leaning across the back of the sofa and pressing a kiss to Yuzuru's temple "Let's get to the kitchen to get the popcorn and argue about what we're going to watch, huh?"

They didn't argue, obviously, because Javi being himself only pretended to be horrified by Yuzuru's choice and he quickly agreed on  _ Apollo 13.  _ It was a classic neither of them had watched yet and Yuzuru was excited to check if they got the physics stuff right. His plans got a little sidetracked though, because he was really distracted by the way his and Javi's thighs and shoulders were pressed against each other, and how the air smelled of popcorn and a citrus shower gel, and it was making Yuzuru's skin grow hotter and the attemots to focus on the movie, despite him trying really hard, were failing. He was a little tense, he knew that, and Javi noticed that too because at some point he turned to Yuzuru, watching him with those big, warm eyes, smiling with all the kindness of the world.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his breath fanning over Yuzuru's cheek, and Yuzuru nodded, swallowing hard, and then without much thinking, he surged forward and pressed his lips to Javi's.

It was maybe a little too agressive than usual, and at first Javi seemed a little startled, but he quickly responded in kind, putting his hand on the back of Yuzuru's neck to keep him close. At that point any thoughts about the movie went through a window, and Yuzuru couldn't even remember what the plot was, because the only thing he was aware of was the intoxicating closeness of Javi, the warmth of his mouth and touch.

It was always good, kissing Javi, but now Yuzuru could feel something hot simmering inside of him, his blood rushing and making him feel a little dazed in the best of ways. He felt good, kind of bold and wanting more, so he wrapped his hands around Javi's neck and managed to climb into his lap without letting their lips part. It felt like one of his dreams, the ones that would make him writhe, and Yuzuru shuddered a little as his hazy brain decided that it just got the best idea.

"Javi." he mumbled, forcing himself to pull back and wanting to go back to kissing immediately, but he also wanted to say it since he had a moment of courage.

"Yeah?" Javi asked, a little breathless, running his hand up and down Yuzuru's spine.

"I think we should talk about sex."

"Oh." Javi gasped, and for a second Yuzuru got worried, but then his boyfriend smiled widely, his hand travelling up to Yuzuru's neck, caressing his skin gently before cupping his cheek.

"Very good idea." Javi agreed, a playful glint in his eyes, and Yuzuru smiled back, leaning in to kiss him again, when a sudden noise made him screech and slip off of Javi's lap and on the cushions of the sofa.

"Ha!" Laura yelled, almost trumphally, coming from behind them and sitting on the edge of the coffee table, looking delighted "I'm so sorry, lovebirds, I didn't want to eavesdrop but now I feel like it's my duty to have a little chit-chat."

"Oh god." Javi groaned and Yuzuru screeched again, resting his face against Javi's shoulder, face burning with embarassment.

"Guys, I don't wanna embarass you or anything, I just wanna make sure you ain't gonna hurt yourself or anything, okay? I'm pretty qualified, you know?" Laura said, her smile warm and kind now, and well, Yuzuru thought that it was probably a good option, better than trying to talk to parents or relying on stories told by their friends who liked to pose as more experienced than they truly were.

"Mhhh." Javi hummed, unconvinced, glancing at Yuzuru as if to check if he was comfortable, and Yuzuru's heart fluttered a little with how sweet he was.

"I mean-" Yuzuru cleared his throat, sitting straight and looking at Laura "Umm, is it ... complicated?" he asked and immediately felt stupid, but Laura didn't seem to think that it was dumb.

"Well, as far as I know you guys don't have much experience, no Javi, your almost thing with Shelley doesn't count." Laura said and Javi facepalmed dramatically, sending Yuzuru a sheepish smile despite the fact he had told him that hilarious story already.

"Anyway, the first thing- the talk. Make sure you guys communicate, before, during and after. It's a key to being comfortable, okay?" Laura said sternly, pointing a finger at them "Second, condoms and lube. That ain't negotiable, okay-"

Yuzuru's face was burning again, and when he glanced at Javi he saw his face covered in a deep shade of red as well, but his scientific part of the brain was storing the info dutifully.

"Third, if something hurts then it means something isn't alright. Unless you find out you're into this but in general just take time to make yourself comfortable. Cool?" Laura asked lightly, as if they were talking about the weather, and the boys nodded, still sporting impressive blushes but Yuzuru had to tell he was feeling kind of better, that they had someone to talk about it.

"Anyway, great talk!” Laura clapped, leaning forward to pat them both on their shoulders before standing up and heading to the kitchen "Just don't do it now, I have things to study still!" she yelled over her shoulder and Javi let out a weird sound, something between a chuckle and a wheeze, and that made Yuzuru laugh, suddenly the last few minutes seeming surreal.

"Well." he said, shifting slowly to climb into Javi's lap again "Now we're definiely better prepared than five minutes ago." he smiled, his fingers brushing Javi's forehead before caressing his cheek and touching the corner of his mouth.

"Look at you, so bold today." Javi chuckled, putting his hands on Yuzuru's hips and squeezing gently.

And he was kind of right, Yuzuru thought as he leaned to press his forehead against Javi's, inhaling his familiar, warm scent. Because he could feel it, being braver when he was with Javi, being bolder, more open, the fact that he didn't give them up despite his mom's disapproval was enough of a proof.

"It's all thanks to you." he murmured, letting their lips brush, and Javi sighed warmly, opening his mouth just a little bit, and Yuzuru let himself fall into his warmth again, as if it was the easiest, most natural thing to do.

And maybe, just like that, it was.

* * *

"Okay." Yuzuru giggled nervously, shifting his weight from one leg to another "So, like-?"

They were standing in Javi's room, filled with golden light of an early afternoon, the tree behind the window grazing the glass with it's yellow and red leaves. It was a lovely day, as if nature was trying to say that it was a great idea, and Yuzuru knew that it was a good idea, but he still felt a little bit of uncertainty. Not that he wasn't sure if he wanted it- he for sure did- but he was still a little anxious, excited but full of questions.

"I will maybe, just-" Javi chuckled, and it was weirdly comforting that he seemed as nervous as Yuzuru, although his smile was as gentle and sweet as always. He looked a bit sheepish as he grabbed the hem of his shirt off, letting out an embarassed laughter as his elbow got caught up in one of the sleeves for a moment.

They had talked about it, they made plans, they were prepared the best they could; Yuzuru's pulse was quick, beating in the rhythm of excitement and anticipation, and all those feelings he wasn't able to name, not exactly, not in that moment.

Yuzuru swallowed hard and bit his lower lip before placing his hands on Javi's soulders and then letting them slide down, examining the expanse of smooth skin, and a strong heartbeat fluttering just beneath his palm. It was comforting, and it grounded him somehow, so Yuzuru took a deep breath and took his shirt off as well, putting it on the chair and then looking at Javi, feeling a lump forming in his throat, nervous and vulnerable, and Javi smiled, soft and encouraging, before taking Yuzuru's face in his hands.

He didn't say anything, but he didn't have to, because Yuzuru could see it so well, his own feelings mirrored in Javi's eyes, and the wave of fondness crashing through his chest was so suffocating it was almost scary, and the only thing he could do was to card his fingers through Javi's soft curls and stepping even closer to kiss him, the sunlight shimmering around them like a golden cocoon, letting them sink into their own world.

Everything felt so fragile and new, and yet some things were still the same.

The sound of Javi's heartbeat, the warmth of his skin, his scent, so familiar but now richer with something tangy and addicting, wanting Yuzuru to be closer, even though it wasn't physically possible, their bodies pressed together, skin against skin.

Yuzuru's head was heavy, senses clouded and yet his mind was clear, thoughts sharper than ever, With an effort, he pushed himself up on his elbow, looking dow at Javi, at his calm, blissed out expression, and he had never felt so certain about anything before.

"I love you." he said, putting his hand on Javi's abdomen, feeling little tremors running under his palm "I always will. No matter what."

Javi didn't say anything at first, just looked at him, gaze warm and affectionate.

"And I will love you back. No matter what."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next up: the drama hits hard :P


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! I know I promised drama this chapter but words started flowing and well, we have more pre-drama as I decided to split the chapter in the end, I think that works better :D I hope you enjoy!

_For everything once more feeling like before_   
_Like the first time_

* * *

“Okay, let me look at your results.” doctor Saarinen smiled at Yuzuru and his mother from across her desk before glancing down at the files spread in front of her “I see you had an cardiologist appointment earlier today?”

“Yes, we wanted to cover everything with one trip.” Yuzuru said and a corner of her lips twitched with amusement.

“I’m glad to see all is good in here.” she said before looking straight at Yuzuru, titlting her head a little “But you look a little pale, are you okay?”

“I had a bit of a cold but I’m feeling much better now.”

He was being honest; after a few tough days his condition started getting better, and now he was only a bit tired, but there was no fever or runny nose anymore. Physically, he was in a good shape, and he chose not to analyze his state of mind too deeply, not eager to fully admit to himself how much of a wreck he was. 

“I see that there’s no reason to keep you in the cast for much longer.” doctor Saarinen said, shifting her attention to Yumi again “Is the next Thursday okay for you?”

“Yes, I don’t have any other plans.” Yuzuru’s mom chuckled and doctor Saarinen grinned, writing something on a little pink post-it and handing it to Yumi.

“Here’s the day and hour. See you next week!”

They said their goodbyes and Yuzuru and his mom started a slow and careful walk back to the car, sighing with relief when they were inside. It was yet another one cloudy day, but at least it wasn’t raining, something Yuzuru was immenesely thankful for since he absolutely hated driving in the rain.

“So, good news today.” his mom smiled as he started the engine, working perfectly after the repair “Once the cast is gone I will manage on my own, so you can go back to work, sweetie. You must be missing it, and Toronto.”

“Yeah.” Yuzuru mumbled, eyes focused on the road, but to be honest, he wasn’t sure how he was feeling about it. A part of him truly missed that familiar work routine, things he could get lost in and that was also bringing him some decent money he didn’t even know what to spend for. And ge definitely wasn’t missing his apartment, a tiny place with a great view and empty walls, with one miserable cactus barely surviving on the window’s ledge. What was with him and empty, anonymoys spaces? It wasn’t who he was, right? 

“Also, I was thinking about getting stickers!” his mom annouced, catching his attention againn, and he glanced at her briefly before refocusing on the road.

“Stickers?”

“The ones you could put on the wall? I would like some trees, or maybe flowers, it would look so nice in my bedroom and living room-”

Yuzuru nodded, listening to her absently, and as he talked about the changes she would like to make at the house, it hit him that it was truly her home. The place she belonged to, where she had come back to after years of wandering. And in theory it should be his home too, the place he had grown up in, with memories carved in every inch of the wooden floor.

* * *

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid we don’t have anything like that in hand.” the salesman with a grey moustache said, smiling at Yuzuru apologetically “I think there’s a chance you can find some in Weyburn.”

“I see.” Yuzuru said, managing not to sigh out loud “Thank you so much for your help.”

Just like he had been fearing, there was no way of finding the oh so desired wall stickers in their town. And since he didn’t want to disappoint his mom, he shot her a text that he would come back late and headed to the parking lot. It was a warm but of course cloudy Friday, and at the same hour next week Yuzuru would be probably packing for his Sunday travel back to Toronto. He had contacted his boss and they talked about what he would be dealing with after coming back, the case they were working on getting more and more serious and they needed all hands on deck.

As he reached his car, Yuzuru sighed dramatically, stopping to find the keyes and thinkig how not in the mood he was for a half an hour lonely drive, when he heard a loud squeal coming from behind him, and he barely had a chance to turn around before skinny arms were wrapping around him, eyes looking at him happily from under a mop of blonde hair.

“Hello!” Ethan exclaimed cheerfully, and Yuzuru had to laugh despite being extremely surprised.

“Hey there.” he smiled back, and he wanted to say something more, but then he realized that where Ethan was, there was also Javi, and his head snapped up in search, and there he was indeed, walking towards them with an amused smile that somehow felt a little out of place.

“Hi, Yuzu. Buying more paint?” he asked as he stepped closer, putting a hand on Ethan’s shoulder and pulling him back gently, as if scared he was being bothersome.

“Um, no, I’m actually looking for these fancy stickers you can plaster on the wall? Mom really wants them but they don’t have it there so I’m about to drive to Weyburn-” Yuzuru babbled, his throat clenching nervously, and Ethan brightened up, looking at him with his big eyes.

“We go there too!” he annouces excitedly, looking up at Javi who nodded and then looked at Yuzuru, who wanted to squirm under his gaze.

“Oh really?” Yuzuru croaked, and Javi nodded again, slower than before.

“Yeah, this giant over here needs some new shoes and a jacket because he grew so much since the last season.”

“And hot chocolate and games!” Ethan chimed in, jumping high and making Javi chuckle.

“Yea, he also did really good on his math test so we go to that place he loves.”

“You should come with us!” Ethan said, so loudly it was almost a scream, and he tugged on Javi’s sleeve “Dad, can he? Please?”

Dor a blink of an eye Yuzuru thought he saw something akin to hesitation on Javi’s face, but then he relaxed and looked at Yuzuru with a perfectly nice expression.

“Yeah, if he has time to join us.” he said lightly, tilting his head, and Yuzuru’s mouth was too dry to speak so he only nodded, only half realizing what he was agreeing on.

“Cool!” Javi smiled a bit wider “Hm, there’s no point in taking two cars, you want to tag along?”

And that was how Yuzuru had ended up in the front seat of Javi’s car again, with Ethan blabbering happily in the back and his own heart being on the verge of a cardiac arrest. It had happened so quickly he could barely wrap his mind around it, but there he was. Luckily the conversation was flowing, although it was more Ethan throwing rapid and random questions at him. Yuzuru was grateful for that kind of distraction, so he didn't have time to freak out or over analyze his feelings, so they reached their destination without any awkward incident. 

"Um, you don't have to go with me if-" Yuzuru started as they parked in front of a big construction store, but Javi shook his head, giving him a calming smile, as if he could tell Yuzuru was feeling a bit weird, and that was making Yuzuru want to scream in frustration. 

"You can't ever tell me not to enter a store like that, you know-"

"Dad always buys something!" Ethan informed Yuzuru eagerly, and for the first time Yuzuru thought how odd it was, to have such a big kid calling Javi dad. He was only a year older than Yuzuru but he had been through so much, experiences too heavy for someone so young.

"Well, true." Javi chuckled “And we can help you pick the stickers if you have any problems with that.” he added with a warm, a little teasing smile, and Yuzuru instantly remembered how they had used to bicker around about Yuzuru’s lack of ability to make quick choices, each visit at a cafe or a resturant requiring at least twenty minutes only for menu reading.

Despite his heart beating a bit erratically, it was going quite great. There was a big choice of stickers and with much needed help Yuzuru decided on pretty cherry blossoms and elegant black pine trees. Then they walked across the parking to the clothes shop, and when they stepped inside Yuzuru stopped, looking at Javi and Ethan and feeling something forming in his throat. Because suddenly it felt wrong, to join them in poicking clothes, as if it was something too intimate to take a part in, a ritual between a father and son.

“I will, um, go and look at some t-shirts.” he said lamely and Javi nodded before following Ethan, who had aready ran to check out the shoes. and Yuzuru walked to one of the long hangers, moving the t-shirts arounf half-heartedly but his gaze was following familiar silhouettes, fingers playing with soft fabric. He wondered if Javi was seeing someone, did he even have time for that? He had heard his female colleagues gushing over single fathers, so he could bet Javi was getting some attention, and the thought was making his stomach clench painfully. And for a brief moment he allowed homself to acknowledge that he still wanted Javi, even after all that time, even after making himself believe it was all done and in the past.

It didn’t matter, though. Javi had moved on. Yuzuru was leaving soon. There was no point in killing himself over that, he knes that, even though he wasn’t able to stop just yet.

He flinched hard when he heard his name being called and he raised his head to see Ethan waving at him from next to the cashier desk, a bag filled with clothes in his hand.

“Now we’re going to the games!” he annouced cheerfully when Yuzuru made his way closer, and Yuzuru blinked, a little confused, shifting his gaze to Javi.

“Yeah, you might be forced to play for your life. In Monopoly.” he said and Yuzuru snorted before sending Ethan a wide grin.

“Well, I can’t wait!”

Yuzuru soon learned that both Ethan and Javi were taking their Monopoly very seriosuly and Yuzuru had no other choice but to invest himself in the game equally hard. They were sitting in a really nice place, Ethan finally having his hot chocolate, Javi sipping his coffee and Yuzuru with a cup of jasmine tea, and the tension seeped out of Yuzuru’s muscles for some time, as he dived into the situation for a while, focuing on money and hotels and evil strategies.

“Nooo!” Ethan whined dramatically when he ended up on one of Yuzuru’s properties “I’m poor!”

“Well I’m sorry, I still need my one twenty.” Yuzuru grinned and Ethan groaned before handing him colorful notes, pouting. 

He was such a good, well-beheaved kid, and maybe his features weren’t exactly the same as Javi’s but his eyes and gestures were a spitting image of his father. There was something sweetly heartbreaking in that sight, Javi and his son sitting next to each other, noses scrunched in the same way, hair curling above their foreheads. They were so alike, and Yuzuru felt a swell of pride when he looked at Javi, and how well he had managed to raise Ethan while barely being an adult himself. 

“Your move, Yuzu.” Javi reminded him gently, and Yuzuru flinched, smiling apologetically before throwing the cubes and then landing on Javi’s most expensive field.

“Ha, time to pay!” Javi grinned, grinning extra wide, maybe a bit for Ethan’s sake, or maybe it was fully honest, maybe he was that happy, to play with them, to spend time together. Yuzuru swallowed hard and reached out, almost wishing their fingers would touch; but it didn’t happen, and Yuzuru only watched how Javi placed a little red house down, and suddenly Yuzuru’s thoughts ran back to warm afternoons when they had been tucked in bed and dreaming of their future, of sharing space and days. 

“Well, I’m in trouble.” he said, forcing a light, careless tone “If it goes like this I will need some loans.” 

“Here!” Ethan announced gracefully, handing him a fifty.

“Thank you.” Yuzuru smiled at him and Ethan nodded before biting on his lower lip, focusing on the board again

He was adorable, truly, and Yuzuru felt his smile widening, turning one hundred percent genuine. And then he looked up, and looked straight into Javi’s eyes, who was watching him with eyes so warm and fond Yuzuru felt his heart in his throat, his blood rushing to his cheeks and bringing a deep blush on his cheeks. 

He was so, so weak, so maybe it was better that he was leaving soon. But he knew that it would haunt him later, Javi’s kind gaze, his smile. Dreams of the future together that they never had.

“One thing he has after me for sure is sound sleep.” Javi chuckled, glancing in the back mirror, and Yuzuru turned to look at the backseat, where Ethan was sleeping with his head tilted to the side, mouth parted.

“That’s true.” Yuzuru nodded, trying to chase the images of sleeping Javi away “Thank you so much, for-” he trailed off, and Javi nodded, glancing at him briefly before turning his attention back to the road. 

It wasn’t awkward, the silence after that, but it still felt heavy, weighing on Yuzuru’s shoulders. 

Was it the last time they were seeing each other? Was Yuzuru ever going to get over it? Over him?

“I think I’m going back to Toronto next week.”

Was it only his imagination or Javi’s hands gripped the wheel a little tighter?

“Do you have time tomorrow then?”

“Uhm?” Yuzuru mumbled eloquently and Javi chuckled again, eyes glued to the road, smile a bit softer than before. 

“Just, it would be nice. I feel like we still have so much to catch up on.”

That they could totally agree on.

“I don’t have plans.” Yuzuru said and watched how Javi’s smile widened, that little dimple appearing on his cheek.

“I’ll text you.” Javi said when he pulled back in the parking lot, stopping next to Yuzuru’s car “Thank you, for today.”

“Huh?” Yuzuru blinked quickly, not sure what Javi was talking about, until he specified a moment later.

“It was really nice. And Ethan’s your biggest fan now, so it was a perfect day for him. And if he’s happy then I’m happy, so...” Javi trailed off, but his expression was still genuine, and Yuzuru’s heart ached, with longing so strong he wasn’t sure how to breathe anymore.

“Thanks for the ride.” he mumbled, tugging at the world handle “I’ll see you soon!”

Chilly evening air felt like a soothing balm against his skin, and he inhaled deeply, closing his eyes for a moment and listening to the sound of Javi’s car driving away slowly, until he was standing there, totally alone.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm sorry for being so hectic, I have a really frenzy time in life right now I guess! Love you all so much <3

_We used our fake IDs_   
_Made love or tried at least_

* * *

"Do you know if you're going to stay late?" Yumi called out from the living room and Yuzuru froze, stopping tying his shoes and clearing his throat discreetly before answering.

"I don't think so? But don't wait up for me."

"Okay, have fun sweetheart!"

Yuzuru would love to have fun, but for now he felt mostly nervous, and even cool evening air didn't soothe his burning cheeks. He hoped that the walk to Javi's place would be just enough time for him to get himself together. But how could he do that, when Javi had texted him not so long ago, repeating his invitation and also promising no pajamas around since Ethan was apprently sleeping over at his grandparents. Which of course caused Yuzuru's brain to produce scenarios that made him choke on his breath and his heart stutter.

He was being ridiculous, he knew that. For the past weeks Javi hadn't shown any indication that he had any feelings for Yuzuru beside the default friendsliness laced with some fondness, which wasn't anything telling. And Yuzuru was grateful, so glad that Javi had brushed the initial akwardness and stiffness fast and now they were on such good terms. So now he wasn't going to destroy that, no way, he just had to keep himself in check.

He was leaving soon anyway. Back in Toronto, he would have no time to dwell on that, and maybe those ghosts of the past would fade away, maybe with help of another fling that would end up the same way his every fleeting relationship since his break up with Javi. 

Yuzuru shook his head, annoyed with himself, and he almost kicked the nearest trash bin, but he decided that the acts of vandalism weren’t exactly his style, and he also felt a surreal sting of fear that Patrick would appear out of nowhere, ready to arrest him for all his crimes, breaking Javi’s heart included.

Javi opened the door with a smile on his face, looking relaxed and friendly, with glasses on his nose and wearing a semi-casual grey sweater that looked incredibly soft and Yuzuru felt a nagging urge to reach out and touch it, and he grabbed the hem of his own jacket to stop himself from doing something that stupid.

“Hey, right on time!” Javi chuckled, stepping aside and letting Yuzuru in “Come, come!”

They settled down in the living room, on the sofa that was maybe a little lumpy but still comfortable, coffee table in front of them stacked with modest and sufficient choice of snacks, perfect for a little get together of two old friends.

“So, Ethan’s on a sleepover?” Yuzuru started the conversation the moment he got his welcome drink, and Javi nodded, smiling.

“He loves sleeping over at my parent’s, he has half of his toys there, and they spoil him so much, bedtime who?” Javi laughed “But well, he deserves a little slack sometimes.”

“You did such a great job with him.” Yuzuru said before he could think about it or stop himself “He’s such an awesome kid.”

“Oh believe me, I have no idea what I’m doing, I’ve been just kind trying to impersonate mom and dad and hoping he would turn out decent as well.”

Yuzuru hid his chuckle behind the glass, Javi’s jokes helped him get rid of the tension that had been weighing on him, and he felt that maybe everything would go smoothly. And it went nice, with Javi asking about his stay in Switzerland, and Yuzuru managed to block all the unpleasant memories that had partially led him to deciding on making that trip, and they spent quite a nice time. They had always liked it, talking, planning, dreaming, hopes that included them together, beautiful landcapes and romantic sights. And Yuzuru had a glimpse of that, of big world, high mountains and old European cities, and his stomach churned when Javi admitted lightly that he had traveled properly once, for a few days in New Orleans. 

“Actually, it was our, ummm, honeymoon.” he admitted with a little nostalgic smile and Yuzuru swallowed hard before falling helplessly against his own curiosity.

“So how did you two meet?”

His voice sounded fakely cheerful, and Yuzuru could swore Javi flinched a little, but then the smile was back on again, as if nothing happened, but there was also a slight blush creeping on his cheeks, his lips curling bashfully.

“I knew her from school, she was one year older than me. I don’t know, maybe you remember her too?” Javi asked, eyes shining expectantly, and Yuzuru couldn’t speak, so he only nodded before taking a long sip, signaling for Javi to continue.

“So, she was working at the bar and, umm, well, I was spending quite some time there…” he hesitated for a second, and Yuzuru could almost hear the silent ‘after you left’ lingering in the air between them, but then Javi was talking again, quicker than before, as if for some reason eager to get that story out.

“We talked a lot. She would always stop serving me drinks after a few rounds, and we talked more, and more. And one day, things just… happened.” Javi said with a slight shrug, and took a sip as well before continuing. “And well, when she told me she was pregnant, I kinda- well, I proposed right away.”

It had been a mistake, asking about that, wanting to know more, because now Yuzuru was feeling dizzy, barely holding on against the wave of his imagination. He must have had some weird expression on his face that Javi misunderstood, because his blush deepened and he cleared his throat before starting to explain.

“I know, it's the twenty-first century and a child doesn’t mean people have to marry. But… I wanted to. It was such a time, I’ve been so desperately trying to cling to something, anything, and she was so… kind. Kind and lovely, and she deserved someone to take care of her. So I tried to do that. Because I loved her.” Javi said simply, and Yuzuru’s whole body tensed, because it felt so… suffocating, to hear Javi admitting that. And he felt bad, for reacting that way, because it was damn obvious; they had been married , and Javi wasn’t a person who would treat something so important lightly.

“I’m sorry.” Yuzuru managed to say, although it sounded more like a squeak, and Javi’s smile softened a little and he looked away for a moment, at a wall covered with pictures Yuzuru still hadn’t dared to look at closely.

“I wish we had more time to grow together. And for Ethan to have both parents.” Javi said and then blinked rapidly, as if he just woke up, and shot Yuzuru an apologetic smile “Uh, sorry, that happens when you allow me to talk. You want some tea?”

“Yeah, sure.” Yuzuru said without thinking and Javi nodded before standing up and heading to the kitchen, and Yuzuru let out a deep breath that hitched when he heard Javi calling him from the other room.

“And how’s your mom doing?” 

“She’s fine!” Yuzuru called back after clearing his throat briefly “Actually, we’re, um, she’s going to have her cast taken off this week and then I-” he hesitated, just for a second “I’m going back to Toronto then.”

The cluttering in the kitchen quieted down, as if Javi stopped doing everything for a moment, and Yuzuru’s heart hammered in his chest. Acting on an instinct, he stood up and let his legs carry him to the kitchen, stoppig by the door frame and watching Javi, who was pouring water into two cups and snorting when steam fogged his glasses a little, so he put them away, shaking his head. It was so domestic, and so Javi, Yuzuru felt a lump forming in his throat, and he couldn’t make a sound, even when Javi turned around and gasped with surprise before chuckling shortly.

“Almost scared me.” he said with that always present smile that seemed gentler than before, something like nostalgia tugging on the corners of his lips “You will come say by before you leave, right?”

Yuzuru opened his mouth to assure him that of course he would do that, but then he remembered that time they had said goodbye the last time, with a promise of seeing each other soon, and then one decision and a phone call stripped all of their words and memories from any meaning. It was suffocating, like a punch to the gut, and Yuzuru closed his eyes and stumbled back, leaning against the wall heavily. 

So stupid and so, so incredibly weak.

“Are you okay?”

Yuzuru opened his eyes and Javi was right there, inches away, watching him with warmth and worry, and Yuzuru’s lips were so dry he was afraid his flesh would break if he tried to speak, but he had to.

“I’m so sorry.” he muttered, his eyes finding Javi’s “For how I left then.”

There was a flash of old pain running through Javi’s face, and then he reached to place his hand on Yuzuru’s shoulder, squeezing lightly. 

“Deep down I always knew this place wasn’t for you, and that I probably wouldn’t leave. It was going to happen, just… not that way, maybe.”

Yuzuru couldn’t tell if Javi was being sincere or was just trying to make him feel better; all he could think about was that suddenly he was feeling like all those years back when they had met for the first time, when he was just a teenage kid with way too many dreams and no idea how life worked.

“You were better off gone.” Javi murmured, voice and gaze absent as if he was talking to himself, and Yuzuru swallowed hard, lifting his hand and reaching to touch the hem of Javi’s sweater, knuckles brushing the warm skin of Javi’s neck.

“I don’t know.” he whispered, strangled “I don’t think so.”

Javi’s breathinh hitched, and Yuzuru didn’t dare to look him in the eyes, so he dropped his gaze down, to the familiar curve of Javi’s lips, and it was as if a switch was turned off inside his head, thoughts evaporating and being replaced by a molten, hopeless need.

He curled his fingers on the front of Javi’s sweater and yanked him closer.

It was as if an electric shock ran through his body as their lips met, and for the first time since coming back from Toronto Yuzuru felt like he was coming home. Mouth pressed together, one shared breath that made Yuzuru’s heart ache and knees wobble. He wanted to stay like that, preferably forever, but then Javi let out a quiet, almost pained gasp, and pulled back, his eyes wide and expression so conflicted Yuzuru couldn’t even begin to try and read it.

“I know-” Javi started, biting his lower lip, and he looked so young, too young for all that burden “But don’t do that, please.”

Yuzuru felt acid crawling in the back of his throat, and he realized what just happened and how much he screwed up.

Why was he so stupid? Javi didn’t want it, didn’t want him, and in no time he would forget that he ever came back, and Yuzuru would be cold and lonely and miles away, trying to find his place in the world again.

“I’m sorry.” he croaked, words scratching his throat “I should- I will go.” he said, making a weak attempt at trying to get away, but Javi’s hand on his shoulder kept him in place gently, his face pleading.

“It’s okay, just, can we talk-”

Now, that was the last thing Yuzuru wanted, because he knew it would bring him nothing except pain and humiliation, so he gathered all strenght he had left inside him and pushed himself from the wall, proud of himslef that he wasn’t crying.

“It’s not okay.” he said, suddenly feeling oddly calm as his body was turning more and more numb with every second “It’s not okay, that I can’t stop loving you.”

Javi’s lips fell open, letting out a quiet sound, speaking of shock and hurt.

“Yuzu-”

Yuzuru shook his head and took another step, feeling lightheaded, but then he felt warm fingers wrapping around his wrist and he stopped, an arrow of electric shock running up his arm. And then he turned to look at Javi’s face, and he wasn’t ready for what he saw, for the immense sadness and something Yuzuru didn’t dare to believe was love.

“Don’t go.” Javi asked quietly and Yuzuru’s heart screamed at him to stay, but his mind felt disconnected from that, and he took a step back, his hand slipping from Javi’s grip.

“Bye, Javi.” he said softly, and he didn’t look back, he just walked, walked out of the house and into the cold evening drizzle. 

If he turned left, he would make it home in fifteen minutes.

So he turned right.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyo! Have to say, I'm not fully happy with this chapter, but I felt like it's needed in the story so here it is! It's the last one from flashbacks chapters, and I think this story will have two more! It might take some time tho because I made a very spontaneous decision to participate in NaNoWriMo this year so we'll see how my time management will work for that :D

“Coming through!” Jamie yelled, manovuering through the crowd and by some miracle not spilling any of the four glasses of beer he was somehow managing to carry “Ha, I told you I would make it, give me my five Sammy-”

Yuzuru snorted and brought a glass to his lips, taking a small sip and then easily jumping back into the conversation about funny things some professors are saying, feeling relaxed and entertained. During the last couple of months he had grown comfortable both in the city and his new environment, filling his time with classes and socializing with his colleagues. He didn’t party much, but he quickly learned that it was pretty fun to go out with the couple of people he had grown to like. He wouldn’t really call them his friends, but they were all cool and nice to talk to. It was making it a bit easier, to ease into that new life, and it was helping him to deal with missing home. Because he missed it greatly, despite deeloping really warm feelings for Toronto too. But he missed his parents and Javi, he missed his own bed and familiar streets and quiet atmosphere of his hometown.

“Oh Yuzu is totally thinking about something pleasant.” Sophie laughed, elbowing him lightly and giving him a bright, good-natured smile “Can’t stop thinking about that hot boyfriend of yours?”

“Jackpot.” Yuzuru said, grinning, thinking that it was the safest option, because who would like to hear about his melancholic moods in the middle of a busy bar?

“Wait, Yuzu has a boyfriend?” Sammy sputtered, almost choking on his beer “Why haven’t I heard anything about it?”

“If you left your precious computer more often than once in a month you would know what’s going on-”

“Pics or never happened!”

Yuzuru rolled his eyes and reached for his phone, ready to satisfy his friend's curiosity, but he frowned the moment he looked at the screen, seeing three missed calls notifications from just a few minutes before, the sound must have drowned in the noise.

“Sorry guys, excuse me for a second.” he said before turning around and slowly making his way outside the bar. Saya was usually calling him during weekends, when they both had enough time for long talks and videochats. It was probably nothing very important, maybe she wanted to talk about Easter gifts already and had some idea she needed to share immediately.

When he stepped outside the bar he shivered, regretting not taking his jacket, cold winter of early spring biting on his skin. But it was going to be just a moment, right? Just a quick call to check what Saya wanted to tell him before he would come back to having some careless fun with his friends. 

He sighed, and pressed the call button.

* * *

He made his way home in a record time, but to be honest he had no idea how long exactly it took. The hours morphed into a blur and as he stepped out of the station in his hometown, he wasn’t exactly sure how he had gotten there, exhaustion making him sway on his feet. He could barely see anything, or think about getting home, when someone walked close to him, stopping him with a gentle hand on his shoulder.

“Let me take your bag.” 

Yuzuru blinked and raised his head to see Daniel- Saya’s fiance- smiling at him softly before taking Yuzuru’s bag and leading him to the car in silence that was ringing harsher and harsher in his ears with every second. 

Daniel didn’t say anything during the whole right home and Yuzuru was truly grateful for that, because he didn’t want to break down there, he wanted to be in the safety of his living room, with Saya and mom at his side, and he closed his eyes as the waves of nausea rolled over him, suffocating and bitter, and he wondered if he was ever going to be able to breathe again.

“I think I will go out for a couple of hours.” 

They were all sitting by the kitchen table, nursing cups of tea in their hands. Yumi wasn’t there, resting upstairs after taking a dose of sleeping pills, so it was only Yuzuru, Saya and Daniel, quiet now, because it felt like they had said everything already.

Saya nodded at his words, her red-rimmed eyes blinking slowly.

“To see Javi?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru’s voice cracked and he had to have a sip of his lukewarm tea to be able to continue speaking “Just for a couple of cours, when mom’s asleep, but-”

“Hey, don’t explain.” Saya smiled weakly “Go. I’ll call you if anything happens.”

Her voice wavered a little as if she was about to cry again, and Daniel wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close in a comforting gesture that had Yuzuru’s throat clenching. 

“I’ll be back soon.” he muttered, pushing himself up so rapidly he almost knocked the chair to the floor, and Saya sent him a smile so pale and so full of love he had to bite his lip not to howl with the overwhelming pain filling him to the brim.

He didn’t even have to pay attention to the road, his feet carrying him the familiar path to Javi’s house, and before he knew he was standing on the doorstep, pressing the doorbell even though he knew they wouldn’t mind if he just went inside, always scolding him gently, reminding that he should feel as comfortable as in his own home. 

It was Javi’s father who opened the door, his face painted with compassion, and he squeezed Yuzuru’s shoulder tightly before guiding him to the living room silently, and Yuzuru’s heart wanted to jump out of his chest when he saw Javi, curled on the sofa and biting on his pen as he was staring at some incredibly huge book.

“You have a guest, Javi.” Antonio said gently, squeezing Yuzuru’s shoulde more time before walking away quietly. 

Javi jumped up and turned around, and his expression spoke of so much love and compassion Yuzuru felt all remaining bits of strenght leaving his body, and he was only able to step forward and into Javi’s embrace, letting Javi hold him close and trusting him not to let go.

For the first couple of minutes they didn’t say anything, and Yuzuru kept his eyes closed, allowing his senses to be overhwelmed with Javi’s presence, with his familiar scent and warmth of his skin, with the sound of his storng hearbreat and his arms around Yuzuru, holding him close. It was quiet and comforting and exactly what Yuzuru needed, so he let himself drown in that, forget just for a second about the gruesome reality he wasn’tready to face.

After the whole eternity, Yuzuru felt Javi’s lips pressing against his forehead, quiet words about how sorry he was, and his knees trembled, if it weren’t for Javi he would simply dropped to the floor.

“Can we just watch some movie?” Yuzuru asked weakly, everything inside him hurting, and Javi hummed with acknowledgement, gently sitting them down on the sofa and reaching for the remote. 

He picked some movie neither of them had heard about and none of them paid attention to, just a soft noise cracking in the background as they huddled on the sofa, Yuzuru’s face hidden against Javi’s shoulders, tears falling quietly and soaking Javi’s shirt. 

They didn’t talk. They didn’t move. And even through the fog of his despair Yuzuru could feel Javi’s love, and his own sadness he was pushing back for the sake of offering comfort Yuzuru needed more than anything. 

He must have fallen into a slumber, because suddenly his head jerked up and he gasped, short of breath, face dry and burning and nose full. He knew he looked like a mess, and he was feeling terrible, head heavy and tender, and Javi smiled at him softly, reaching to graze his cheek.

“It’s late.” he said quietly “I will drive you home.” 

It’s a short drive, but the heating in Javi’s house is working on the highest level so when they stopped in front of Yuzuru’s house, he was groggy and sleepy and just wishing to fall into the familiar, warm darkness. But he forced his eyes fully open, and looked at Javi, who was watching him with so much love and compassion Yuzuru’s heart almost couldn’t take it.

“I will see you tomorro at the ceremony, yes?” Javi asked, putting his hand on Yuzuru’s knee and squeezing gentl, and Yuzuru nodded, feeling a lump forming in his throat. His father had wanted to be cremated, which was going to be a private event, but after they would have a small ceremony at the little chapel next to the cementary, to let his friends and neighbours have a final goodbye as well.

“Yes.” Yuzuru said, voice cracking in his dry throat. He wanted to say something more, he wasn’t sure what, but he couldn’t make a sound, and he felt close to crying yet again, feeling small and too broken to breathe.

“Hey.” Javi murmured, leaning closer and taking Yuzuru’s face in his hands “I’m here. I know- this is terrible, but I’m here.” he whispered, his fingertips grazing tender skin begind Yuzuru’s ears “I’m always with you. You remember that, okay?”

“Yes.” Yuzuru muttered, closing his eyes and letting his forehead rest against Javi’s, and trying to ignore the terribly hollow feeling spreading inside his chest “I always will.”

* * *

Boston was a nice city, even on gloomy afternoons. Yuzuru had grown to feel fond about the city during his last couple of visits, and since it was a city Saya had chosen as her new home, he had no other choice but to like it. Even now.

School was okay with him having a two weeks break, so a day after the funeral they packed a lot of clothes and flew with Saya and Daniel to Boston. Yuzuru messaged his professors to make sure they wouldn’t have any issue with that and everyone was extremely understanding. And it seemed like the best option, to leave the town that became so unbearable in a blink of an eye. They weren’t ready to heal, not yet, but at least they were together, and that was what mattered the most now. For now they were just taking it day by day, and Yuzuru spent most of his time on either long walks or sleeping, and not thinking about the future too much. He didn’t talk to Javi too much those days either, exchanging a couple of texts, but Yuzuru knew Javi understood his need for space to slowly get his life together again, to let his battered heart find just a little bit of peace. 

“It’s warmer today.” his mom noticed quietly and Yuzuru nodded absently, lifting his head for a moment to look around the park. It was truly warmer than for a couple of previous days, when the wind was still biting with the last remains of winter cold. Now, the sun was shining and it was true that spring was basically there, with its flowers and leaves and hopes Yuzuru still couldn’t share.

“Afetr you go to Toronto, I think I’ll stay here.” his mom spoke again “And then, maybe… I might go to Japan for a while. To stay with aunt Ayumi.” 

“Oh.” Yuzuru mumbled, not really surprised “That’s nice.”

“And you?”

“What do you mean?” he asked, confused, and his mom sighed, stopping and taking his hand.

“Maybe you could find… just, now that we don’t know when we come back, maybe a change would do something good. For you and for me.”

“I don’t understand.” Yuzuru muttered, narrowing his eyes “You say I should go abroad too?”

“I don’t say what you should do. Just… you always wanted to see the world, and maybe it’s time. Life’s… it’s too short, sweetie.”

Her voice cracked a little at the end and Yuzuru squeezed her hand tightly, trying to offer her just a little bit of comfort. 

“We’ll be okay, mom.” he said, tears prickling in the corners of his eyes.

She only smiled, and then swallowed visibly, looking down for a moment before meeting his eyes again.

“I think I might sell the house. I don’t know yet, but it’s a possibility. In the future.”

“Oh-” Yuzuru gasped “M-”

“There is nothing left for us, is it?” she sniffled, her eyes shining and voice growing thick, and Yuzuru swallowed hard, heart speeding up.

“Mom-”

She shook her head and took a step back, giving him a strangled, pained smile. 

“You think only about yourself, okay Yuzu?” she asked, reaching to caress his cheek, and Yuzuru could almost hear what she didn’t say out loud.

The truth was, mere thought of going back there was making him feel nauseus. It was as with the moment they had passed the citylines something had switched inside him, covering his heart with a thin sheet of ice that nothing seemed to be able to melt.

* * *

He was sitting by the kitchen table, staring at his laptop mindlessly, when a soft buzzing of his phone tore him out of his daze. He flinched, and looked at the screen, and his stomach clenched when he saw Javi’s name.

He stared at it for a second and then rejected the call with a harsh click and turned his gaze away, biting on his lower lip so hard he almost drew blood.

“That’s quite a violent reaction.” Saya noticed gently from where she was standing, cutting vegetables for dinner “Who called?”

“No one.” Yuzuru muttered, logging into his university email.

Him and Javi hadn’t talked in days, but Yuzuru just couldn’t bring himself to answer any call, to reply to any message. Because all of the sudden it was too hard, and Yuzuru had no idea what to do, about what should they talk, and he wasn’t even sure if he was able to speak to him, with the way Yuzuru’s heart ached at every thought about his hometown, about life that was no over and he had no idea how to move on.

There were a couple of emails he didn’t have to deal with immediately, and a few automatic messages sent to every student, one of them coming from their office of international cooperation, reminding students of possibilities to apply for one of many student exchange programs. He read the words, full of enthusiasm and joy, and looked at beautiful pictures, and something inside him clicked painfully, with longing, longing to feel that kind of excitement the email was full of.

“Yuzu-”

His phone buzzed again and Yuzuru actually screamed, the sound forming without any thought from him, leaving his mouth before he could stop it. He stood up so rapidly he knocked the chair to the floor, and he ran off, ignoring Saya’s worried cries. 

He ran until his lungs burnt, and when he stopped he found himself standing on the crossroad, with a desperation pushing him to take a way he hadn’t considered before, but now it seemed like the only thing that could save him from himself. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write the break up scene but it was coming out not the way I wanted and was depressing as heck so I decided to give up, maybe we'll have a little peak in some of future chapters


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, it's me going back to an old tradition of midnight posting! I'm sorry you had to wait so long for this one, but November is a challenge, I hope you'll enjoy it!

The wooden bench he was leaning against was cold, same as the ground he was sitting on, but Yuzuru didn't move. The small fotrest parking is quiet and dark, with only one lantern throwing around a dim ring of ugly yellow light. There was barely any car going on the road at that time, and Yuzuru was pretty sure he could spend a couple more minutes in unbothered solititude.

The parking is just outside the town, after passing the board the road was cutting into the forest and then it was only three to five minutes of a walk on the wayside. It was the first place Yuzuru had thought of when he left Javi's house, and he didn't question that, letting his legs carry him to that place, and thinking that it wasn't possible to feel more grief anyway.

Soon he would get up and walk back home, and hope that his mom was awake. And the next day, he would call work and make sure everything was clear, and maybe he would even start packing. He didn't have that many things, but he felt like he had to prove it to himself, that he was truly leaving.

An owl screamed from some place in the trees, and Yuzuru raised his head, startled, before letting his forehead drop to his knees again, a deep sigh leaving his mouth.

Was it odd, that he came here, to the place where his father had died, quiet and alone?

The doctor had told them that it was like falling asleep, probably. That he very likely felt a headache and decided to pull away for a moment, to catch a breath before the last minutes of the drive home.

"I thought I should check in here."

Yuzuru shivered violently and looked up just in time to see Javi sitting down next to him on the cold ground, close but not so close they would touch, as if afraid he would startle him.

Yuzuru closed his eyes, not ready to look at him and not ready for a talk he knew was coming. But he couldn't run away again, not when Javi found him, found him with such an ease as if he had known exactly where to look.

“We should go.” Javi said softly after a minute or two of silence that was definitely tense but at the same time not awkward, somehow "It's really cold."

For a moment, Yuzuru doubted he actually had enough strength to get up and walk all the way back, but he forced his numb legs to lift him up, even though he swayed a little bit. Javi reached out, as if to touch him, or hrab his elbow, but then put his hand back into his pocket.

Now, Yuzuru could see his face properly, although the lightning was still bad and Yuzuru couldn't see the look in his eyes, only a tired grimace of his lips.

"Let's go." he said, quiet and gentle like before, and he turned around, silently giving Yuzuru a sign to follow. They didn't speak for the whole way back to the town, and a part of Yuzuru was glad, but there was also that hot longing deep inside him, to hear Javi's voice again, even to come back to their conversation in Javi's house. To hear that damn rejection again.

Deep in thought, he almost didn't notice when Javi turned right on the first crossroad, which definitely wasn't the best route to his or Yuzuru's house/

"Javi?" he asked hesitantly, and Javi looked back at him over his shoulder, not stopping.

"I think we need food and something hot to drink."

Yuzuru wanted to oppose, but then he saw that old neon sign of Billy's, blinking purple in the night, and he bit his tongue. He was actually hungry, exhausted and a mess, and not in the state he could face his mom in. So he took a quick deep breath and followed Javi inside.

Yuzuru had been at Billy's only a couple of times, since it was a bar and not a restaurant and back then he wasn't a person liking that kind of place. But when they walked in, he couldn't help but notice that it looked nice, even though it probably hadn't been redecorated since the early nineties. But it was warm, with a solid wooden counter and tables, old photographs hanging on the wall.

"Hey Billy." Javi greeted the elderly man behind the counter "Can we get two cups of tea? The biggest you have."

"Sure thing." Billy nods, giving Yuzuru a quick glance before turning to fill the electric kettle.

The place was almost empty, only one table in the corner occupied by a group of five playing cards. Javi and Yuzuru took a table by the wall, under a photohraphy of a beautiful winter landscape. Yuzuru studied it for a long moment and then finally gathered enough courage to look at Javi, whose face was fully visible now in the bright light inside.

Javi was smiling, tired but honest, and Yuzuru's chest ached with regret and love.

He opened his mouth to speak, but then Billy appeared, putting two ginormous cups on the table.

"You want something to eat? Kitchen's still open."

"I'll take the usual." Javi smiled and looked at Yuzuru, who hadn't had the time to read the short cardboard menu that was tucked in a napkin holder.

"Uh, same?" he risked, not having any idea what he was ordering, and Javi's grin grew wider for a moment.

"For him will be without pepper."

"Noted." Billy nodded and then walked away, and Yuzuru felt an odd feeling of relief that they were left alone again.

"So you have your usuals in here?" he asked, a hopeless attempt to start the conversation somehow, and he was glad to see that Javi kept on smiling, even though there was a shadow of that melancholy Yuzuru had seen in him in the past couple of weeks a few time.

"Billy was more of a father to Annie than her own old man. I still like to stop by when I have a chance."

Yuzuru's throat felt scratchy so he took the first sip of his tea, feeling a familiar sting of ginger on his tongue. He needed that, a little wave of warmth going through his body, giving him strenght to say what he had to say.

"I'm so sorry. For before. I shouldn't have done that."

Javi's smile fell, and Yuzuru honestly hated himself for making it all sto uncomfortable, and he had to, he just had to try to make it at least a little bit better, so that time they would say goodbye to each other in a right way, not like the last time.

"I just-"

"Yuzu, it's okay. I'm not angry, I'm just..." Javi trailed off, looking away for a moment, and Yuzuru wrapped his hands about the cup, warm porcelain almost burning his palms.

"But it was wrong of me. I know you don't... that you don't feel it, but I had drinks, and I was..." he swallowed hard, dropping his gaze down "I guess I was just selfish."

For a moment that seemed to stretch into eternity, all Yuzuru could hear was the occasional, hushed comment coming from the only occupied table, and sound of pans and cultery clinking against each other in the kitchen.

"Yuzu, look at me."

There was something in Javi's voice that was making Yuzuru anxious to look at him. But then he did, and he hadn't been prepared for all that melancholic gentleness written all over Javi's face.

"Yes?" Yuzuru mumbled, his voice rough, and he should probably have another sip to soothe his raw throat, but he couldn't bring himself to break that moment, his gaze locked with Javi's.

"I loved Annie a lot." Javi said quietly and Yuzuru's heart stuttered, with pain and yet also anticipation "But it doesn't mean I forgot about my feelings for you." he smiled, sweet and absolutely heart-wrenching "I never did."

Yuzuru closed his eyes, inhaling sharply, his chest burning and his pulse hammering so loudly in his ears for a moment he wasn't able to hear anything else.

And then he felt warm fingers wrapping around his wrist and his eyes snapped open, every nerve in his body tense and screaming that it was too much, it was way too much and Yuzuru felt like he was going to fall apart into a million pieces and the only thing holding him together was Javi's hand.

"What do you mean?" Yuzuru forced through his dry lips and Javi sighed, his thumb brushing against Yuzuru's pulse point.

"I've missed you everyday. And I'm grateful to see who you grew up to be. That you're still that amazing person."

“I’m a mess." Yuzuru choked out, and Javi opened his mouth to oppse, and then a discreet cough.

"Sorry, boys." Billy said, putting their plates on the table "Enjoy your meal."

Yuzuru blinked, feeling dangerously close to crying, and he focused his gaze on the meal in front of him. Javi's usual order turned out to be a burger, that was luckily normal in size, and fries that had been definitey cut by hand.

They ate in silence, and despite the initial fear that he wouldn't be able to swallow anything, food actually made him feel a bit better, at least physically, because mentally he was still a mess, just like he had told Javi. And he didn't even dare to imagine what Javi meant, and he didn't dare to believe, because he knew that in the end it wouldn't even matter.

They finished eating and the second they put down their forks Billy appeared again, bringing them two more cups of tea and taking the dishes away, quiet like a ghost. And they just looked at each other, and Yuzuru had no idea what to say, so he just waited, looking at Javi helplessly and hoping that he would be the one to reach out, because he was always better at that than Yuzuru.

But Javi didn't seem ready to resume the conversation, just looking at Yuzuru in a way that was almost unbearable, and Yuzuru couldn't stand it, so he asked the first question that came to him, something he was pushing down for ages.

"You never tried to change my mind."

Javi blinked rapidly, confused, and then he realized what Yuzuru meant, and his face scrunched under the weight of memories.

"I didn't." he admitted quietly "You were clear in that phone call, and I thought... I just thought I didn't have a right to bother you. You were going through so much and the last thing you needed was an ex boyfriend nagging you." he chuckled, even though it came out more like a sigh "I wanted to give you time before reaching out, but then I learned you went for that exchange to Switzerland and I just... gave up. And then Ethan happened, and I couldn't dwell on the past, no matter how I felt."

"And how did you feel?" Yuzuru asked, words tasting like crushed glass "How do you feel now?"

Javi looked at him, lips curling up in a smile too tired and too wise for someone that young.

"I would give so much, for a second chance." he said, and Yuzuru couldn't breathe "But I have a child, Yuzu. And I can't risk getting into the same situation, I can't turn into a heartbroken mess again, because he needs me, and I can't-" his voice hitched a little, and he cleared his throat, taking a deep breath before speaking again.

"You have your life in Toronto, how you always dreamed. And I'm just a widower with a child who fixes cars for living. I was… I was always going to be that small town boy, and you were always too good for me." he chuckled again, and the hint of depreciation in his voice made Yuzuru's blood circle faster.

"Don't say that." he said quietly, shaking his head "You were all I wanted."

"Maybe not all." Javi said gently, and Yuzuru knew he didn't mean anything bad by that, but it was true, and it hurt "But Yuzu, don't... please stop beating yourself over that. It's okay. Truly."

Yuzuru wasn't okay. He wasn't, because now he could fully see what he had given up, and even though there still was something between them, it didn't really matter. Too much had happened, and their lives couldn't be more different and more far away from each other, and the only thing that could give him an illusion of consolation was that there was nothing to forgive anymore. Only to forget.

He didn't say anything, he wasn't able to, and gave him a pale smile before looking at the counter.

"We will-"

"It's on the house, kids." Billy said and Yuzuru could see that Javi wanted to oppose, but in the end he just nodded, a flash of a wide, truly honest smile showing on his lips before he turned to Yuzuru again.

"I think it's time to go." he said and Yuzuru nodded numbly, just ready to accept whatever was goint to happen. He didn't question when Javi started walking in the direction of Yuzuru's family house. It wasn't far, and during these couple of minutes Yuzuru braced himself for what was going to happen, the image clear in his head.

There was nothing else he could do. Nothing else he could say.

"I don't know if I will be able to come see you this week." he said when they stopped in front of his house, and he was quite relieved to see that all of the front windows were dark, which meant that his mom was probably asleep "Can you-" he swallowed hard, and had to fight with himself not to look away, guilt clenching in his gut "Can you say bye to Ethan from me?"

"Yeah." Javi said after a moment, and Yuzuru could see that it made him a little upset "But can he give you a call, before you go? Just so, you know, he-"

"Yes, yes, of course!" Yuzuru hurried "That would be great. I can call, too."

"That's great." Javi sighed, clearly relieved, and swallowed hard, his eyes ldark and wide in the dim light of the streetlights.” Can I call you too? Sometime?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru said immedaitely, although his voice came out small and hoarse, his throat clenching so hard he wasn't sure he would be able to breathe "Of course. I'd like that."

"Cool." Javi said softly, and Yuzuru felt that he was on the brink of tears, because he knew so very well that it was a goodbye.

"I-" he licked his lips, so terribly dry he felt like the flesh would break any second and he would just bleed, a mirror of what his soul felt like "Thank you, Javi. And... goodbye."

This is what they deserved, finally. A proper goodbye, almost a decade late.

Javi didn't say anything, just looked at him, and Yuzuru looked at him back, wondering if it was the last time they were seeing each other or maybe one day he would heal enough and get courage to come back once more.

And then Javi reached out to touch his cheek, just a brief moment, and before Yuzuru could register what was going on, Javi stepped closer, his warm scent filling Yuzuru's nose and tingling on his skin.

"Goodbye." Javi murmured before kissing Yuzuru's forehead, his lips warm and chapped, and Yuzuru shuddered, a thrill running up his spine.

It lasted for three seconds, maybe five, and then Javi stepped back, and through the daze in his own eyes Yuzuru could see that now, his smile was honest, if just a little bit sad.

"Goodbye." Javi repeated, his voice barely a whisper, and then he was gone, disappearing in the darkness of the night, taking that part of Yuzuru's heart that he always claimed anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear the next (and probably last!) chap will be almost misery free!!!
> 
> (Now a question, smut yes or smut no, I owe you guys for being so patient with me, so choose your fighter :p )


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The struggle was so real how did I ever write anything ;;A;;

_ I give it all for one  
Just one more chance to run _

* * *

"Could you move your leg for me?" doctor Saarinen asked, leaning forward in her chair "Okay, perfect. Do you feel any pain?"

"No, everything feels alright." Yuzuru's mom smiled and the doctor smiled back, nodding.

"Great! Then that's all, you're clear to go home. You must be excited to go for some walks now."

"Yes." Yumi chuckled brightly "I barely had time to see the town, I got injured almost immediately after returning."

"Just be careful on slippery pavements." doctor Saarinen said and then looked at Yuzuru, her smile growing even more "How are you, Yuzu? Still good to be home, right?"

"Yeah." Yuzuru nodded, feeling a little awkward, and then his mom chimed in, her mood skyrocketing with the cast gone.

"He's going back to Toronto soon. The time flew so quickly" she said, sending her son a fond glance, and Yuzuru did his best to return it and hide the fact that every thought and mention of leaving was tying his stomach into countless little knots, a wave of mixed emotions thick and suffocating.

They exchanged a couple more polite sentences and then they left the office, not wanting other patients to wait. His mom was beaming with happiness, talking rapidly, her words full of plans of what to do with her newly regained freedom. Yuzuru tried his best to follow her projects of reconecting with some old friends and continuing with changes in the house, luckily the ones that wouldn't require his help.

"But in case things get serious just hire someone, okay?" Yuzuru asked when they reached the car and his mom nodded, reaching to caress his cheek gently.

"Don't worry about me, sweetheart." and then a moment later, when they were sitting in their seats, she added "I was thinking that maybe we could try to get everyone on Christmas here. But it's just an idea, we'll see how it goes..."

She kept on talking, mentioning Saya and her family, but Yuzuru was only half listening, too occupied with focusing on the drive while his mind instantly showed him a picture of Javi in that ridiculous red woolen hat he had used to wear, and his heart contracted painfully.

He didn't even leave yet, and there he was counting days til when he could see Javi again.

He was supposed to be packed by now.

Yuzuru blinked, his eyes so dry it almost hurt, and he looked down at his phone where details of his journey outlined right in front of him. He had exactly fourteen hours and nine minutes till departure of his train, that first stage of the long way back to Toronto.

He should get up and pack, he knew it, but when he had looked at his empty suitcases an hour ago, he just couldn't do that. He went downstairs to make some tea, and thinking that maybe he should call to say goodbye to Ethan, but he couldn't do that either, mere thought making his breathing hitch with anxiety.

So he just sat there, by an old kitchen table, with a cup of now lukewarm tea and bright screen of his cellphone.

His little stupor was broken when he heard the front door opening and a moment later his mom walked in, taking off her rainproof jacket and putting a bag with grocieries down for a moment.

"Can't believe how much I've missed walks in the rain." she laughed, picking the bag and walking inside the kitchen "And shopping! This is so nice to finally-" she stopped talking, noticing that Yuzuru was acting quiet and odd.

"Are you okay?" she asked, bringing her palm to touch his forehad "Do you need some help with packing?"

Yuzuru shook his head, feeling like his throat was clogged with cotton balls. There was so much happening inside him, and he couldn't even form one coherent thought. He could just feel, feel way too much, and the next words leaving his mouth were coming straight from his heart.

"Mom, how did you know dad was the one?"

Her hand on his forehead froze and then she slowly walked around the table to sit down on a chair across from him, her eyes gentle and maybe a little worried.

"I knew after half an hour of talking with him, on the stairs leading to the library. I just knew that he was special, and that we would be perfect together."

She was beautiful when she was smiling like that, soft and nostalgic, with love still so evidently present in her eyes, and Yuzuru's heart stuttered, and it felt like there was not enough space in between his ribs.

"Yuzu, why are you-"

He just couldn't hold it all in, as if years of pent up emotions and questions finally reached the boiling point.

"Why did you never like Javi?"

His mom gasped quietly, her eyebrows shooting up and then narrowing in confusion, as if she couldn't understand what he was asking about.

“What?”

“I-” Yuzuru closed his eyes for a moment to collect himself, because to be honest, he had no idea where it was all going, but he also wanted to have that one honest conversation he was only now realizing how much he needed.

“Do we really have to do this?”

“Mom, please.” Yuzuru said, but she shook her head, her mouth twitching in a grimace that was such a contrast to her previous smile Yuzuru felt like he could cry.

“It’s been so long ago, what’s the point in coming to that now? Let’s go upstairs and get you pack-”

“I love him, mom.” Yuzuru said, and he wasn’t even surprised how easily that came out “I still love him.”

Her lips fell open and she just stared at him for a moment, confused and disbelieving.

"Yuzu, I- what are you even saying, you haven't been in touch for almost a decade..."

It was all so clear, suddenly.

"I've been in love with him for all that time, even though I liked to pretend it was gone. And seeing him again only made me realize that."

Confusion started draining off of her face, and she pressed her lips in a tight line, clearly not eager to hear this and have that kind of conversation but also knowing that Yuzuru wouldn't let it go, not at this point.

"So he's the person you've been meeting with all that time?" her tone wasn't really accusatory, although he could tell that she wasn't pleased that he hadn't told her before.

"Yes." he admitted quietly "And mom, just... Please don't question that. I know that you think it's because of this place, or memories, but please... don't. Just don’t."

He didn't know if it was his words, the tone of his voice or his expression, but his mom didn't argue with him anymore. She just kept on looking at him silently, face unchanged and eyes unreadable until she spoke again, quiet and steady, as if in reality she was prepared for that for a long time.

"I love you, Yuzu. More than my own life, but I can't lie and pretend that it wasn't hard, especially when you were younger. You know I-" she cut the sentence off, but Yuzuru knew what she meant so he only nodded, showing her that he understood, and that he remembered.

"Maybe I still had a little hope." she admitted quietly and Yuzuru swallowed hard, dropping his hands to his knees and curling his fingers, pulling at the fabric "And then he appeared, and everything changed. You changed, Yuzu, and I think that was the hardest thing to accept for me. That you kept secrets from me, that you argued, that were sneaking out...that you were different."

"You never even gave him a chance." Yuzuru's voice cracked at the end as he recalled exactly three times Javi had come over for dinner, and they were all awkward to say at least "You never really tried."

"I didn't want to." his mom said simply, and Yuzuru thought he caught the tiniest glimpse of guilt in her gaze "And I didn't want to trust him, not when it came to you."

It didn't seem like she had anything else to add, and Yuzuru understood why, so he took a deep breath, and then decided to drink a bit of now definitely cold tea so his throat would feel at least a little bit less raw.

"Breaking up with him was probably the most stupid things I've done. I don't know how I ever thought it was a good idea." he didn't add that her little mentions of moving on probably had something to do with it. But that would be unfair, and in the end, it had been only his decision.

"Okay." his mom said slowly "So... so what do you want to do now?"

Yuzuru closed his eyes again, and thought about that evening he had spent with Javi, about that little kiss in the kitchen, him running out, their talk. It seemed like they had cleared everything out, but Yuzuru couldn't stop but wonder what it would be if he told Javi he wanted to stay and try, because he truly did, and that was the only thing he could think about right now.

"I need to go." he gasped, standing up and grabbing his phone with frantic fingers "I will text you."

"Yuzu-" she sighed, but didn't say anything more when he put his hand on her shoulder and leaned down to kiss the top of her head.

"I love you, mom." he said softly and she didn't say anything, just put her hand on his for a moment, and Yuzuru decided to take it for a blessing, although to be honest, she didn't have any say in his choices anymore.

He put his shoes on, and he ran.

He had grabbed the wrong jacket on his way out, too shaken and in too much hurry to pay attention. Now his clothes were soaked, wet hair sticking to his forehead and falling into his eyes, and he pushed it out with a stiff gesture, walking forward. He felt both exhausted, frozen to the bone, and at the same time driven by some hectic energy and desperation.

He couldn't help but think that he had given up too early and too easily. Because now it was suddenly so clear to him that he didn't give a damn about Toronto, about his job and coworkers, and he didn't give a damn what anybody else was thinking.

He loved Javi. And maybe that time, it would be enough to hold on, if only Javi was willing to give him that chance.

His hands were so cold that when he knocked on the front door of Javi's house his knuckles hurt, but he couldn't remember if there was a doorbell. He felt like maybe he should have prepared what to say, but now the chance was gone when he heard rapid footsteps inside, and then the door opened, and suddenly Ethan was standing right in front of him, wearing blue pajamas and socks, his eyes widening.

"Hi!" he yelled, grabbing Yuzuru's hand and pulling him inside, and then throwing himself forward to hug him, not caring in the slightest about Yuzuru's wet clothes "You came!"

"Yeah." Yuzuru said, his voice faltering, and he wanted to hug the boy back, but didn't he didn't want him to get cold, so he just touched his hair gently "I thought-"

But then he couldn't finish the sentence, because there were other footsteps, and then therw was Javi at the end of the corridor, stopping immediately when their eyes met, face frozen in utter shock.

"Hi." Yuzuru croaked and Javi just looked at him silently, although his eyes seemed to be filling with light that Yuzuru hadn't seen in him for the past couple of weeks.

"You're gonna catch a cold." he mumbled, pushing gently at Ethan's shoulder, and the boy took a step back and looked up, face bright and excited.

"Are you staying for a sleepover?" he asked and Yuzuru gaped, looking at Javi over the boy's head and feeling his cheeks growing hot.

"Well I need to talk about it with your dad." he attempted a light tone but the words came out a bit strangled, and that seemed to kick Javi back into action. He stepped closer and ruffled Ethan's hair, yet his eyes never left Yuzuru's face.

"Go change your pajamas real quick." Javi said, glancing at his son "And then go to my room and find some clothes for Yuzu, okay?"

"So it's a sleepover?" Ethan exlaimed excitedly and Javi flicked him on the nose in replay.

"Off you go, buddy."

Ethan ran off as if there was a fire somewhere, and just like that they were alone, facing each other from so close Yuzuru could almost feel Javi's breath on his face.

"What happened?" Javi asked quietly, raising his hand to touch Yuzuru's face, and Yuzuru couldn't stop himself from leaning into his palm, warm and rough against Yuzuru's cold, soft cheek.

"I'm sorry." Yuzuru mumbled, eyelids fluttering nervously "I just... I need to talk with you."

He had been so caught up in his emotions earlier that now he didn't know how to start, comfortable in Javi's warm house, in his calming presence. And maybe, he felt just the tiniest sting of guilt, because Javi and Ethan had their life, and there he was, just about to ask if they would allow him to step into it with all the burden he was carrying on his shoulders.

"Alright." Javi hummed, a gentle smile blooming on his lips "But you need a hot shower first, alright? And now putting Ethan to sleep will be quite a challenge." he chuckled, and then tenderly brushed Yuzuru's wet bangs away "What do you want to talk about?" he asked, quieter than before, and Yuzuru swallowed hard, not trusting his voice.

He moved a little closer and leaned forward, pressing his forehead against Javi's.

"I don't want to go back to Toronto." he whispered and Javi gasped softly, but even if he wanted to say something more he couldn't, Ethan's bright voice cuttung through the tense air and making them back away from each other.

"I put the clothes on the washing machine." he announced proudly and then looked over at a clock hanging on one of the walls and let out a loud, horrified screech "I'm late!" he yelled before rushing off again, which made Yuzuru utterely confused, but Javi only laughed, shaking his head.

"It's time for his favorite cartoon." he explained "You remember where the bathroom is? We'll be in a living room, I need to keep an eye on him so he doesn't put his hands on any kind of sugar-"

"Yeah, that's okay." Yuzuru said quickly, not wanting to be a burden "Thank you." hr added, as hurriedly as before, and Javi nodded at him with a smile before turning around and walking towards the living room.

Yuzuru stood there for a moment, trying to wrap his mind around reality, until a couple moments later he shuddered slightly, realizing how cold he was. He quickly peeled his jacket off and got rid of his shoes and also socks, not wanting to leave stains on the floor.

The bathroom was even warmer than the rest of the house and Yuzuru half sighed half whimpered when he stepped into the shower and under the hot stream of water. He didn't want to take long but he still stalled a little; he was a bit calmer now, his thoughts clearer, but his heart was beating wildly, as if he was trying to get up. Yuzuru really hadn't thought that through, everything happening so fast and now Yuzuru felt doubt creeping into his head again as he wondered what exactly he was going to offer, and what Javi's reaction would be. He swallowed hard and shook his head quickly, determined not to let anxiety take over him. He quickly put the fresh clothes on, sweatpants just a tad too long but at least not slipping from his hips. The shirt was made from a soft grey fabric and Yuzuru felt a little more confident now, wearing dry and clean clothes and not resembling a wet bird anymore.

But speaking of birds, his heart was definitely fluttering like one as he slowly walked to the living room, drawn by the sound of the tv. The image he saw when he stepped inside was so heartwaeming it calmed his still tense nerves a little. Javi was sitting at the end of the sofa with Ethan holding to his arm with one hand while the other was clutching a pillow, big eyes glued to the screen where colorful images were flashing.

Yuzuru stood there for a moment quietly until Javi turned his head and looked at him, a smile forming on his lips as he tilted his head a little, inviting Yuzuru to join them. Yuzuru did that in silence, not wanting to startle Ethan who was clearly totally invested in what was happening on tv. But the program ended after a few short minutes and the boy let out a muffled sound before turning to Javi.

"Can I see one more?"

"Mhh, and who will get up tomorrow for school?"

"But we start at ten tomorrow, because mrs Lem is not-"

"We have a deal, you remember?" Javi reminded him gently and Ethan sighed heavily, as if his life was long and tiring.

"I doooo." he mumbled morosely, but then he turned around with a speed of lightning, his expression bright again as he looked at Yuzuru "So you're staying, yes?"

"I-" Yuzuru hesitated, glancing at Javi whose lips were still curled up in a smile.

"Yes he is." he said easily and Yuzuru's stomach fluttered "So you gotta make sure to wake up for breakfast, okay?"

"Okay." Ethan nodded before pressing a loud kiss on Javi's cheek and then jumping forward to give Yuzuru a tight hug "Goodnight!"

"Bye Ethan." Yuzuru said, following him with his gaze and then taking a deep breath before he turned to Javi again, everything inside him tensing yet again.

"Hi." Javi smiled in that way that took Yuzuru's breath away "You're feeling better? Oh, are you hungry? I can-"

"I don't think I could eat anything right now." Yuzuru admitted. He wanted to be in a more comfrotable position to see Javi, so he turned around fully, putting his cold feet on the sofa and wrapping his arms around his knees, feeling nervous and unsure.

"I really need to talk to you." he said quietly and Javi nodded, his expression turning serious yet still remained gentle. But when Yuzuru looked in his eyes, he could see there was something he was also feeling- uncertainity, a bit of anxiety, and something akin to hope.

"You said you didn't want to go back to Toronto." Javi said softly, and Yuzuru swallowed nervously, although he was grateful to him for starting the topic.

"I did." he nodded "I don't want to go back."

Javi nodded slowly, chewing in a bottom lip in a way that made Yuzuru want to kiss him so bad everything inside him ached. He opened his mouth and then pressed his lips together, unsure, and Javi's lips quirked in a little smile.

"Here." he said, gently grabbing Yuzuru's ankles and gently tugging them closer, tucking Yuzuru's toes under his thigh "Your feet still get cold so easily." he said fondly and Yuzuru blinked quickly, suddenly feeling way too close to tears, but he didn't want to cry, not now, not when he was just about to have probably one of the most important conversations of his life.

"I know that I hurt you." he said "And I can't promise it will never happen again, I can't promise that, but Javi-" his voice cracked a little and he needed all his courage to continue "I can only promise to try and not to make the same mistake. I just-" he closed his eyes for a moment, and decided that he had nothing to lose "I love you. More than I ever did. And I thought that maybe... maybe you still love me too, enough to trust me again."

Once the words were out of his mouth, Yuzuru knew he couldn't do anything more. He could just wait, with his heart fluttering erratically, and watch emotions washing through Javi's face in waves, and hope with all his power that he was worth a second chance.

"You know that I come with a package, right?" Javi asked, his voice a bit shaky "And that this is-" he stopped, his voice turning rough, and Yuzuru understood how much he was asking of Javi, and that it couldn't be an easy decision to make.

"I know that I ask for a lot." Yuzuru said quietly, changing his position carefully and shifting himself to his knees, so he was even closer to Javi than before. He didn't want to pressure him in any way, but he couldn't stop himself from trying to chase Javi's closeness, missing his touch so much it hurt. And Javi just kept on looking at him and yet again Yuzuru had that feeling that he looked both too young and still too experienced for his age.

"Can we go upstairs?" Javi asked suddenly and Yuzuru flinched, a little suprised, but then nodded quickly.

"Of course."

"Okay." Javi smiled, and Yuzuru felt himself relaxing, because that was a good sign that Javi wasn't kicking him out, but was clearly, truly thinking about it.

"Give me a second." Javi said quietly as they approached the stairs, and he took a couple of steps to carefully open a blue-painted door, and through the crack Yuzuru could see a soft ligh of a nightlamp, and he also heard some music playing on a low volume.

"Okay, all good." Javi said a moment later when they were slowly climbing upstairs "I had to put him downstairs because he used to sleepwalk and I was scared he would fall down the stairs one night. He didn't like that at first so I was putting some music on for him, and now he's addicted, at this point he went through the most of my cd collection-"

"That's cool." Yuzuru said, and decided to just follow the direction Javi was leading in, even though his anxiety was still squeezing his chest, suffocating him a little. And then the overwhelming feeling only grew when they entered a room that Yuzuru immediately realized had to be Javi's bedroom. It wasn't big, but quite tidy and cosy, and Yuzuru's nose filled with that warm, familiar scent that was making his heart stutter and his skin tingle. He wondered what should he do, because for now he was just standing in the middle of the room, avoiding looking at both the bed and Javi, because he was afraid he would do something stupid, like crying or saying something Javi didn't need to hear.

So he looked aside and his eyes immediately caught a framed picture standing on the top of a wooden commode, and his chest hurt so much he couldn't breathe. A pretty, tired woman with a tiny bundle in her arms.

"Ethan was two days old." Javi said quietly, and Yuzuru shuddered at the hurt present in his voice, raw and clear "She passed away the next day."

Yuzuru looked at Javi's face, and all the pain he saw there made his heart hurt, but also it reminded him what Javi had meant earlier. He was still young, and he was still smiling as beautifully as always, but there was so much he was carrying on his shoulders. He had a child, lovely and fun, but he had to raise Ethan all by himsel, and had lived through so much already. Yuzuru couldn't blame him if he didn't want to take that risk, even though mere thought of it was breaking his already battered heart.

"Hey." Javi said quietly and Yuzuru flinched slightly, their eyes meeting in the dim light of the room "I told her everything about us, you know? I feel... we built our marriage on honesty first, and love, and if we had more time-" Javi cut himself off and Yuzuru swallowed hard through his dry throat, fighting with a need to look at the floor.

"Javi, I understand if I'm asking for too much." he said, and he was proud of himself for not letting his voice shake, even though he was feeling as if something was tearing him apart from inside "I just wanted you to know." he added helplessly and Javi's expression crumpled, as if it was too much for him as well.

And then he inhaled deeply, and reached to cup Yuzuru's cheek, warm and maybe a little trembling.

"I love you." he said, and Yuzuru's heart stopped beating for a moment "But if you break up with me over a phone again, I might kill you."

"Never." Yuzuru gasped breathlessly and he didn't even had a moment to wrap his mind aroud what was happening because their bodies moved on their own, as if that magnetic pull that was always between them finally grew too strong to fight with it.

Javi's lips were chapped and tasting like black tea with a hint of lemon, and Yuzuru wouldn't lie if he said that his knees went weak, his muscles turning into jelly and his heart threatening to jump out of his chest. He couldn't think straight, his head foggy and dizzy, so he only clinged to Javi's shoulders, kissing him back with everything he had, but then Javi made a little strangled sound and pulled away, placing one of his hand on Yuzuru's nape, warm and secure.

"Let's just- I need a moment." he let out a strangled chuckle, and Yuzuru blinked quickly, a little confused until he saw the look in Javi's eyes, shining with love and yet there was still a shadow hidden there, reminding him that it wasn't exactly an easy fairytale now.

"Of course." he murmured, raising his hand and gently carding his fingers through Javi's hair, delighted that now he had a right to do that "As slow as you need."

This time they were going to make it right.

* * *

After waking up, Yuzuru was still feeling like he was sleeping, in a way. Because for the past couple of years the only place he could see Javi in had been his dreams, and yet there were, sharing a bed in a dim light of early autumn morning, Javi still sleeping peacefully and Yuzuru couldn't take his eyes off of him.

He was still sleeping in the same position as when they had been younger, on his back, with his limbs spread in a way that was making him look almost vulnerable, defenseless in that cold big world. It was such a contrast to who he was during the days, open, brave, ready to deal with everything. But Yuzuru knew him, and he knew his heart, and he would rather throw himself off of a cliff than break the trust Javi put in him again.

They were talking for hours into the night, both too overwhelmed to carry serious conversations, but still promising each other with every word and every gentle touch that they were in love, and that now it would be enough, and even more.

Javi moved a little, lips parting in a small sigh before he opened his eyes and looked at Yuzuru with eyes still glassy from sleep, but his smile was brighter than the sun itself.

"Hi." he murmured, reaching to brush a strand of Yuzuru's hair away "Good morning."

"Hi." Yuzuru breathed out, his head starting to spin a little as it started coming to him again, Javi's warm scent tingling in his nose and making his heart flutter.

"Morning." he added, licking his dry lips quickly before deciding to lean down for a kiss, still feeling a littly bit shy about it but also giddy, and-

"Daaaaad!"

Yuzuru yelped and dropped his forehead against Javi's shoulder, somehting between laughter and horrified screech forming in his throat.

"Of course." Javi chuckled, sliding his hand up Yuzuru's back and rubbing at his nape gently "Ethan's dream career this week is to be a chef-"

"That's adorable." Yuzuru mumbled, raising his head and feeling quiet laughter leaving his mouth and taking all the previous remains of shyness away, so now he didn't hesitate before leaning down again and brushing his lips against Javi's, warm shudder running up his spine. Javi hummed softly, his fingers now curling in Yuzuru's hair, and Yuzuru's entire body tingled with pleasure.

"Daaad, can I use the oven?!"

"Okay, that's our call." Javi said, sitting up so suddenly Yuzuru gasped loudly when he landed on the mattress next to him.

"Sorry." Javi smiled sheepishly, leaning to peck him on the forehead before hopping out of the bed and then reaching to take Yuzuru's hand, gently helping him get out of the bed "So this is how it is." he said, and Yuzuru's heart melted at all the hope and just a tad of anxiety he saw in Javi's eyes.

And Yuzuru was a little anxious too, about jumping in a new life and other people's reaction. But mostly, he was excited, filled with warm, happy energy, because it was a new day and everything was possible.

So he squeezed Javi's hand and they walked dowstairs, just in time to see Ethan buttering the toasts, his expression so focused Yuzuru could swear he had never seen anything so adorable.

"Hi!" he squealed as they walked in. "Coffee machine is making weird sounds."

Javi let out a sound between a sigh and a laughter, ruffling Ethan's hair before inspecting the oddly loud kitchen appliance while Yuzuru was engaged in setting up the table. It was all a little chaotic, but at the same time comfortable, and when they finally sat down Yuzuru realized that it was only the beginning.

"Do you like cheese? Cheese is the best!" Ethan babbled happily from his chair, just vis-a-vis Yuzuru, unbashedly delighted about having a guest "Will you come for a sleepover again? We could watch a movie!"

Yuzuru swallowed quickly on the bite of his food and looked at Javi, feeling his throat clenching nervously. Javi turned his head to look at him, that amazing smile appearing on his lips again, lightning up the entire room before he turned his eyes to Ethan again.

"Yuzu will come over for dinner today, because we have something to talk about."

"Something nice?" Ethan asked, stabbing a mini tomatoe and bringing it to his lips, his big eyes looking at Javi expectantly .

"Yeah." Javi said, his hand finding Yuzuru's under the table "Nice and important. Now finish your food and get dressed, we will take you to school and then..." he looked at Yuzuru again, giving his hand a squeeze "Me and Yuzu need to meet with someone."

Yuzuru knew that he meant his mom, and his stomach clenched with anxiety, but at the same time he felt ready to do it. It was going to be different that time, and for that to happen, they needed honesty, and a proper beginning with no secrets.

They couldn't wipe away their past, but they cared for their future.

Yuzuru squeezed Javi's hand, and smiled with hope and gratitude.

This tme, he wasn't going to let go. No matter what.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for a smutless chapter guys, but it didn't quite fit for me now, I hope you understand 🙈 There is a short epilogue coming, and I swear to deliver before Christmas! Lve you guys <333


	15. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It must be an early Christmas miracle, because look what's finished!  
> We had present chapters, we had some flashbacks, and in epilogue we're going into the future :D

“You call me when you arrive, okay?” Javi repeated for the third time in the past five minutes and Ethan smiled as patiently as during the previous two questions.

“Yes, the moment I step out of the plane.”

“Good.” Javi mumbled, reaching to fix the collar of Ethan’s shirt and Yuzuru had to bite his lip not to chuckle out loud, but he didn’t want to break the moment since he knew how important that moment was for Javi. 

And well, it was a big step for Yuzuru too, but of course it hit Javi differently, letting his son from under his wings and watching him go into the big world.

“I will be fine, dad.” Ethan said gently before leaning in for a hug, and Yuzuru’s heart squeezed a little painfully. For the past ten years he had been raising Ethan right there with Javi, loving him as much as it was humanly possible, and knowing that now he was about to follow a similar path Yuzuru had chosen once was making him feel quite emotional. 

Breaking down by the entrance to the train station would be embarassing though, so he just watched father and son hugged, and braced himself for his own goodbye.

“Bye, Yuzu.” Ethan said warmly after detaching himself from Javi and moving to embrace Yuzuru. 

Ethan was at least ten centimetres taller than both Yuzuru and Javi, so it was always fun to hug him, and Yuzuru knew he was going to miss it so much. Sometimes it was so hard to believe that the little boy he had met in a parking lot grew up to be that lanky, funny and intelligent young man who got accepted into a good university and just about to leave for his big adventure.

“Take care of dad, okay?” Ethan muttered, giving his shoulders a squeeze, and Yuzur chuckled shortly, ruffling his hair before pulling back to look at Ethan’s face.

“Always.” he said softly “And you behave, yes?”

“Don’t you know me?” Ethan chuckled, shaking his head “Don’t worry.”

“It’s our job to worry.”

A metallic voice informed them through the speakers that the train would arrive in a minute, so Ethan leaned down to grab his backpack, and then he straightened up and smiled, with a bright, excited smile of someone who was going on an adventure. He stepped forward and gave Javi one more lingering hug before starting to walk backwards, waving at them until he turned around and rushed to the platform where the train was just stopping, only to leave a minute later and just like that, it was just the two of them.

“Shit.” Javi breathed out, a little shaky, and Yuzuru put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently before turning to fully face him.

“You’re okay?”

“Yeah.” Javi chuckled, not very convincingly, and Yuzuru hummed compassionately, throwing his arms around Javi’s neck, fingers entwining against his nape.

A couple of months before his fourtieth birthday, Javi was looking better than ever, and Yuzuru’s heart never failed to stutter everytime he looked at him. 

“At least now we can have sex everywhere in the house.” Yuzuru pointed out and Javi snorted, the sound a bit wet, but the glimmer in his eyes was a sign of fondness and good humor. 

“Oh yes? Do you have some propositions?” he asked, gently placing his hands on Yuzuru’s waist.

“I might-”

“Let me remind you that public indecency is a criminal offence, alright?”

Yuzuru laughed and looked over Javi’s shoulder to see Patrick waving at them from his police car, an amused grin on his lips. 

They had learned how to get along, him and Patrick. To be honest, it only took for Patrick to see that Javi was happy, and that Yuzuru wasn’t going anywhere that time, and after a couple of weeks things between them were better than ever. But to be honest, Yuzuru’s life was better than ever, and it all had started that rainy evening when he decid that he had nothing to lose anymore and everything to win, and that leap of courage and desperation was so worth it.

“Heyyy.” Javu chuckled, turning around to wave back at his friend “Tomorrow still stands, yes?”

“Sure! Do you guys want a ride?”

“I think we could use a walk.” Yuzuru said, sliding his hand down Javi’s arm and linking their fingers together. 

“Cool, see you then!” 

They walked back home slowly, mostly quiet, enjoying the warm weather and each other’s company as they were slowly getting used to the fact that it was now going to be the two of them, for most of the time. 

“You’re okay?” Yuzuru asked once again when he felt Javi giving his hand a tight squeeze.

“Yeah.” Javi sighed, making them both stop next to an oddly crooked mountain ash growing on the side of the pavement “I’m sorry, I have to be a little bit moody now.”

“You have all the right to be.” Yuzuru smiled, reaching to cup Javi’s cheek “I miss him terribly already too.”

That was the honest truth. He was happy and proud of Ethan for getting accepted to school and following his dreams, but watching him leave the house that was home for all three of them was also quite bittersweet. 

“He’s going to be okay, you know. He’s the smartest one of all of us.”

“I can’t argue with that.” Javi chuckled before leaning closer and resting his forehead against Yuzuru’s “I just really don’t remember how it is, not to have him at home.”

“I know.” Yuzuru said, closing his eyes for a moment, “It’s almost like we can go back to being teenagers again.”

He said that without thinking, and Javi chuckled again, his nose brushing Yuzuru’s.

“Better not, because your mom actually likes me now.”

“Good point.” Yuzuru agreed with a sigh before finally closing the distance between them and kissing Javi on the lips, right there in the bright sunlight, in the middle of their lovely hometown. 

It took them quite a long time and a lot of heartache and fight to get there. And maybe they weren’t those naive kids anymore, but still everytime they kissed, Yuzuru was falling in love again and again, exactly like for the very first time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yet another story finished, I'm honestly quite proud of myself because I'm not gonna lie, writing has been a real challenge for me lately. Big, big thanks to each and everyone of you reading this and leaving comments, you guys rock <3 Honestly the best readers I could ever dream of, thank you for your patience with me, yours truly disaster author. Love you, hope you have wonderful time this last week of the year <3

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!


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